I am sick to my hairline with hearing/reading the claim that the Mac OS is intuitive and oh, so easy to use. That's a load of fucking bullshit!!

I wanted this damnable thing because it's different from Windows PCs, and after Mel went to the PC graveyard I was looking to try something new. Macs also have the reputation for being fun and have a certain hippie appeal, and I am so all over that (see also my love of the VW Beetle and Bob Dylan). I also bought into the lie that iMac is the best computer system ever made in terms of software and blah-blah and whatever.

The only positive thing I can say about this electronic shitbox is that because the system is different I had to really become adept at HTML in order to create webpage designs that don't look great on Mac while looking like a mismatched disaster on a PC. Everything else about it is an enormous pain in my ass.

* SLOWEST BROWSERS AVAILABLE. Opera is slightly speedier than Safari (hell, a fucking salted slug moves with greater speed and efficiency than Safari), and appears to be the best of the lot. I've tried quite possibly every browser available for download, from Camino to Sea Monkey and they all fucking creep along at a rate that would test the patience of a saint, save one; Opera. However, what I save in time I made up for in frustration - Opera won't fill out required fields for various websites. Some it will, some it won't, there doesn't seem to be a pattern to it. I just have to try and hope it works or open up one of the other browsers and hope the motherfucker loads in less than twenty minutes. Nice little punchline there. I'll get you there but you won't be able to do anything, ha-ha. Fuck YOU, Apple.

* THEY NEVER CRASH?!?! My ass they don't. This rancid thing has given me more grief than Mel ever did, and Mel was several years old when Hubbins passed him on to me. Before Mel died I got a lot of use out of him; he was speedy, he was secure and I could watch videos on him without jumping through flaming hoops to find the right software to download first. The Mac has crashed several times. Granted, a couple of those times I was able to make it operational again by using the disc that restores the factory settings. Three of those times I wasn't so lucky, and it needed expensive repairs and an extensive stay at the Mac hopsital. One of those visits to 'You Fucking Shitbox' Mac General Hospital was preceded by my downloading some software that didn't agree with this temperamental thing. The OS wouldn't play non-Quicktime videos on Yahoo or several other sites and I knew Larry's and John's PCs would, so I got frustrated and began looking for a software download. I found one on the Apple website, downloaded it...and not only did it NOT play the video I wanted to see, it didn't play anything because it completely locked the fuck up. I couldn't even reboot it. It didn't even want to turn off until I leaned on the power button for almost two minutes.

OOOOOooooohhh...too bad, Mrs. Larry - that one's gonna coast ya.

No freaking shit.

* iPOD REGISTRATION ISSUES. When the Mac crashed the last time it was right before Larry and I were due to leave for Detroit to visit his brother's family and as the drive takes an average of eight hours I wanted to download some more music to my iPod. This meant I had to register it using Larry's PC and his iTunes, which I did and it worked beautifully, sending me to Michigan one happy, happy girl with an iPod full of Marilyn Manson and Bob Dylan sound yummies. I was elated, thinking I had not one but now TWO computers I could use my iPod with interchangably. Shortly after we returned Hubbins took the Mac to be repaired and when I got it back it refused to work with my iPod. I can download music from my CDs and stuff I get from the iTunes store but it won't sync unless I re-register it for use with my iMac and restore the iPod to it's factory settings, which would wipe out all of my videos and about 80% of my music, most of which was added before the Mac went wonky. And I can't restore them using Larry's PC anymore because his crashed shortly thereafter and wiped out the memory on his iTunes.

What's that? One might say Larry's PC is no better, as it has crashed too. Yeah, you'd think that. However, on the scale of Mac Vs. PC, Larry's system has experienced two crashes since he has had it. The Mac, on the other hand...let's just say the metaphorical pile of issues has not only unbalanced but tipped and run off of the scale. No contest.

* MEDIOCRE SOFTWARE. Not only the ones that come standard with the Mac, either (although the Text Edit, Mac version of QuickTime and other add-ons are surely nothing spectacular). Software packages that work well on a Dell or Gateway are equally unimpressive. Photoshop Elements 3, for example. The cropping tool doesn't work worth a flip and lining up the text is an exercise in frustration. More often than not, what I have to do is go online and visit MyImager to do the cropping, text and other effects. PS3? It appears to be great for resizing/formatting/putting a border around images. It's worth fuck-all for anything else. I have worked with it and worked with it until I could scream and it doesn't do about 75% of what I want it to. Larry's version, of course, works to perfection.

* FOUNDATION IN BULLSHIT. In spite of all of their claims to the contrary, the Mac OS is far from being the innovative, practical, easy to use, intuitive creation the company insists it is. Not only has the search for software that allows it to do all of the things I want ended in failure, the software that's included with the Mac is mediocre at best and often a complete pain in the ass. Further, downloading additional software is no guarantee that you will get the desired result. Even downloads from the Apple website can wreck your system.

It also isn't an intuitive system. Larry's Gateway I got right away. John's Dell rocks my stripey socks. Right out of the box. And yes, I know that rhymed.

The Mac, however...no matter what I download, how I use it or what the manual says (and yes, I've read the freaking manual), I can not get this thing to work in the way it's supposed to. The browsers all suck, it's as slow as death from a walk-by sporking, and I have come to the conclusion that the only way I'm going to feel better about it is to stop working with it altogether. I HATE this fucking thing. I honestly and sincerely do. Deep, seething loathing. Hatred that burns with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns. I have fantasies about it exploding.

Larry warned me against it. It was more expensive than a comparable PC and the OS is different. I had to have one. So he dropped about $12-1500.00 to buy it and I have spent the last five years lamenting that purchase. I am utterly fed up with it.

John has his eye on a gaming laptop, which is a system that is optimized for gaming. I think it's a great idea, as he has decided to begin taking classes soon to become a video game designer/programmer, and such a system will no doubt be a good resource.

Once he buys it, he wants to take his current laptop for a checkup and memory wipe then pass it on to me. He's already moved all of his files over to his desktop PC.

I will rejoice. I'm rejoicing now just anticipating it.

The only problem is, what do I do with the iMac?

It may not even be an issue considering how often this temperamental bitch refuses to work. It will probably crash, seize up or go into some kind of radical system failure long before John even buys his new laptop. In that very likely event I have no intention of asking Larry to take it for more repairs. I'm done with it, even if it happens tomorrow and I have to go several weeks without a system of my own. Beats the hell out of the constant aggravation this damnable machine continues to cause me.

I'm not going to miss this thing. Not even a little.