Larry suggested I up my meds. I'm on the lowest possible dose of Zoloft and Dr. H increased it to twice that before with good results. It seems to have worked. Today I'm not so angry and irritable and don't feel as hopeless or empty. It gets so deep sometimes, so hopelessly dark and I'm hesitant to mention it to anyone, even to Larry because I thought I had conquered it.

I was doing so well last winter, in spite of all the environmental stuff that was going on. The holidays are really hard for me, for complex reasons I don't want to go into again, and I tend to get morbidly depressed as xmas grows closer. It starts to lift a bit (so slowly) the week between xmas and new year's eve and after January 1 it lefts entirely. It's holding on to wait for it to get better that's the most difficult part of the whole situation, even worse than the feeling of it closing around me, which I also hate because it's as if I can't stop it. I feel it happening, wrapping around me and taking all of the joy out of everything, until even the parts of the holiday I used to enjoy, like baking cookies and taking the kids to see Santa, seem like a chore and there's no enjoyment in any of it. By December 20th it's all I can do to force myself to move from the sofa and get the meals prepared, especially as xmas draws closer and the nights get longer because I have to wait until the babies go to bed so I can wrap gifts.

Jesus Christ on crutches, I so fucking hate xmas. In comparison to me the Grinch is a happy Santa.

But last year was different and I was feeling so good I talked to my doctor about going off of my meds. If I could get through xmas without ending up in a crushing period of depression then I must surely be ready to give them, up right? And one less chemical going into my body is always a good thing.

So I put up with the electric shocky jolts that made my head and body twitch, headaches and waves of dizziness that come with Zoloft withdrawal and all was well. Until the second week of May, when I began to realize that I had been irritable and constantly angry for several weeks, and it was getting progressively worse. Any and everything irritated me with such intensity that I'd have to leave the room for fear of saying something so hurtful to someone that it would shame me later just to think of it. I was snippy, crabby and all-around shitty to pretty much everyone, and once I realized that, I started to withdraw to avoid hurting anyone. I literally felt as if I was losing my mind.

Because I know that depression often manifests itself with symptoms of anger and irritability I mentioned to Larry that I thought perhaps I might be slipping back in. I didn't want to go back on the meds because that's a tremendous step backwards and to me it felt like failure. It only took a little while longer to see that I was fighting a losing battle and I reluctantly went back on the meds. They were working fine, until a few days ago. At least I thought it was only a few days but now that I think back on it, it's probably been progressing for at least ten days. It's easy to pass it off as exhaustion (with Zoe's sleep habits being what they are that's always a distinct possibility, since I haven't had a full night's sleep in the last six years) or nerves because of all of the back and forth I have to do to make sure the kids get to and from school with their conflicting schedules. Of course, it turned out to something else entirely. Upping the meds has helped a bit already. Yesterday I felt like I wanted to die. Today at least I can function.

But it still feels like failure.

I can't get my body to work with me. I can't go off of the meds for any length of time without slipping back into depression. Dr. H and I discussed this a long time ago when she explained that my multiple attempts to go without meds ended with me having to go back on were the symptoms of a chemical imbalance (Fuck you, Tom Cruise - you live with this for awhile and then tell me about your superior knowledge of psychiatry and antidepressants), and it's unlikely I'd ever be able to go off of them entirely. I also can't get it to work with me on the veggie issue. Twice I've tried and failed to give up eating meat, even though the second time I worked with my doctor, added more soy protein to my diet and did everything right.

It's as if no matter what I do, I can not get my body to do what I want it to do. The old girl won't give even an inch.

I'm hoping my next lifetime sees me issued a prettier, more cooperative model. This one's mostly a dud.