Things have been nuts.
We decided to contact thr Kennedy-Krieger Institute and see what they could do to help the children. Trent has come so far basically what we need is just to make sure he stays on the right track and continues to do as brilliantly as he already has. Zoe, however...needs more help. She can still barely speak and her inability to communicate frustrates her tremendously, so she also has need of some behavioral help. She is doing better, but at this point I honestly don't know what decision to make for her academically. I don't want to stigmatize her by keeping her in kindergarten another year, and I don't want to send her on to first grade if she isn't ready. We're in limbo right now. Literally. Of the two, she is definitely in need of the most help. I hope the people at KKI know what to do, because I honestly don't.
And to think I was going to homeschool my children. I have surpassed the border of unqualified and wandered into the hemisphere of completely incapable with stops in inept and fairly useless-ville. Currently residing in what the hell do I do?-burg.
Okay, I'll stop.
We have appointments to take the babies in for diagnostics, which we have to do first or Aetna won't cover any of the costs of autism treatment for either of them. I'm amazed they couldn't give us the diagnoses over the phone; as many questions as the intake specialist asked me. I mean, these people are THOROUGH. I was on the phone with them for an hour and 18 minutes (plus change). They even asked me my mother's maiden name. Not sure why that's important. Decorum prevailed, however, as they left me some secrets. Yup, my weight and underpants size are all mine.
Yes indeed. Guarding those jewels of knowledge with my life. MY LIFE, I say!!
Anyway, I hope these people can do something positive for my babies. They are good children and they deserve good things.
In other news...
We finally made it to South Carolina, where we visited my delightful mother-in-law and no one got food poisoning from fast food (avoided 'Jack In the Box' this time, an establishment which after our last exposure will forever be known as 'Puke In the Bed') or ended up in the hospital. All in all, a fine trip.
I've recently become re-enamored with doll collecting. In response, Larry gifted me with this little guy:
His name is Malachi, and he is a repaint/reroot/fanged/beautiful blue-eyed wonder recreated by Mamma Rabb of DemonKidz.
I am so in love with this little undead boy it is unreal. But sadly, so is Zoe. She calls him 'the baby' and wants to play with him, but I'm not sure his facial paint and tiny fangs could survive my girl's somewhat less than gentle handling. So for now he's in a safe place where I can take him out and look lovingly upon him, then put him back for his own wellbeing.
Between the IEP meetings, snow days, traveling and now the prospect of much work ahead with the KKI, I have been pretty stressed. When this happens I turn to electronic media and religion. The electronic media part has been almost obsessive. I've played Silent Hill: Origins so much I've achieved every accolade, unlocked every secret and gotten all three endings at least twice each. I also had a pretty hot dream about Travis (central character in the game) a couple of nights ago, which has me wondering if perhaps it isn't time to move on to another game now.
Religion...well, that one's not so comforting right now. Every year around easter I start to have that I'd really like to go back to the catholic church feeling. It makes no sense. For a variety of reasons:
* I have never been comfortable in any church
* I don't agree with very much of christianity at all
* I never did enjoy the company of christians even when I was one, whom it has been my experience are the most hateful, nosy, gossipy, judgemental, two-faced people on the planet
* Churches are full of backstabbing people who pretend to be good friends then go on to spread your personal business throughout the rest of the congregation
* Missing church generates a lecture on personal responsibility even when it can't be avoided
* No matter how hard one works it is never enough
* No matter how hard one works it is never GOOD enough
* Rampant misogyny
* Conflicting messages (if I am to be subservient to my husband according to god's will/law, why am I expected to force him to come to church?)
* I am naturally artistic and have an education in writing, why is it that those gifts are not beneficial and my only place is in the church kitchen? (I love to cook, but can't I use my other gifts as well?)
* Which is more important, grace or law? Until I can find a church that can definitely answer that question (and isn't full of nosy, gossipy assclown types), there is no church for me.
* The catholic church is the only sect of christianity I can stomach, but marrying a non-catholic then remarrying someone else after divorcing him is a huge catholic no-no.
* I'd have to get an anullment I can not financially or emotionally afford, or otherwise be cut off from receiving the sacraments. In the catholic church, no sacraments equals no grace. If one dies in a state of not having god's grace, he or she is doomed to hell. In effect, the non-sacramental catholic is cut off from god.
* Have I mentioned my discomfort and general lack of trust in christians (and their supposed spiritual and moral superiority)?
* I am having a difficult time reconciling within myself the concept of becoming that which I most despise
So many good, solid reasons not to bother. Yet I feel the pull. I didn't always have this problem. I was Pagan and all was well, until I decided in 2003 that things would be better between my family and I if I just converted back to christianity. Tried like crazy. Four times to be precise. Still couldn't make myself believe in it. Still can't. So why this desire, then?
This periodic (often annual) pull to become part of a religion I don't believe in that's full of people I can't stand? What kind of spiritual mind-fuck is that? I'm assuming it has something to do with my family. Or maybe it's completely about them. They aren't catholic any more but they'd be thrilled to death if I was, just because it's christianity. They'd be happier with me being one of those ass-backwards redneck twistoids who dance around with poisonous snakes if it meant I wasn't Pagan. Okay, perhaps not. But in their opinion, christian is better.
Christian is so much better I can't get my mom to agree to miss even one church service for a family function. She and my dad and grandmother - who all attend services together - have been seriously late meeting us at restaurants, at my home for holiday dinners and once left John and I waiting outside a movie theater in 95 degree heat because church services went into overtime. If I even mention maybe scheduling our family time on Sunday morning my mother immediately bristles. I explained to her that I'm not trying to come between her and her spirituality or compromise her church time, but Larry has a job and we have things we need to do on the weekends; things which will frequently go undone if we can't do them right then. Also, Patrick works like a madman, Sunday mornings are all he has sometimes and it's nice to see my niece and nephew occasionally. As christian as my brother is, even he will stay home from church sometimes to be with his family or to be with us. My mother knows this. I also explained that there have been many, many times in which I have blown off a major Pagan holy day or esbat working I'd been planning for awhile in order for us to all get together. I am NOT asking her or anyone else to do anything I am not willing to do myself. We all have conflicting schedules and sometimes we have to make sacrifices in order to be together. I agree that spirituality is important. But family is too. And that means sitting out the occasional Sunday. At least, this makes sense to me. Apparently I'm in the minority.
So this is the conflict. It's the only thing that makes sense. They want it for me so every once in awhile I want it for myself. Then a few days or a few weeks or months (however long I can force myself to continue) later I completely lose the desire and give in to the fact that it isn't worth trying to be part of something I have no faith in.
I would truly love to have faith in it. It would make my life so much easier, particularly in terms of how I feel about christians in general. There's just so much christian-generated grief in my past (not to mention trust issues), I have serious doubt that I will ever be able to believe in christianity. But sometimes I really want it. It's for the wrong reasons but I do want it.
I just don't know how to force myself to believe. That's the issue. In my case it would take nothing short of an earth-shaking miracle or some kind of mental reconditioning (hardcore brainwashing). Neither has happened. So the conflict continues between what I do believe and what I sometimes want to believe.
It is so exhausting. Having so much going on in my life is definitely not helping clear the path, either.
And I am oh, so tired of the back-and-forth. Tired of the spiritual push-me pull-you.
Just damned tired in general.