3/15/2010
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The Premise Of Life's Unending Perplexity and I'm Breaking My Silence
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I came across my twenty-seventh year on Earth as did so many others in their probably mid-thirties to forties, yet my journey seemed to have turned around the next block in a very hasty manner. I was dumbfounded and stunned when I heard it straight from the horse’s mouth. It left me speechless and numb for a while. Sometimes when you thought things that are there for you in your “now” would actually last forever. There are times when you wake up in the middle of the night only to find out that the things that matter to you most may not have mattered to others you care for so much you would give your whole life to. Was it Barry Manilow’s having the right love at the wrong time? Or was it the right love with the wrong one? Or was it the wrong love at the wrong time? Whichever case is true for this, some things just can’t seem to last for so long as we wanted it to. Some things just come to an end, whether it’s a bitter or sweet one. Come to think of it, almost all relationships turn sour before it closes the chapter, so where’s the sweetness in that? I guess it comes after a careful decision to accept the undeniable fact that can no longer be changed and moving on from there, knowing when and how to give your self to another person if you intend to again with a more guarded perspective, not a haphazard decision you make out of a flash of infatuation and so-called rebounding tendencies. That was why it was as if the hardest part has not washed upon me that fateful December morn, when I had the tsunami of complex emotions spinning me around like I was laundry in that machine. He called it quits and I called it an earthquake with a magnitude of 10.7 intensity. Was that even a movie? So I was shaken but I kept my composure as I had to. I had to be told to move on on my own to get me to awaken from the self-denial I’ve long been sulking myself into for a decade. The decay of the so-called union was already obvious between us but not to the many eyes of friends and acquaintances and even family. Let alone the union was null in the first place and the signs I kept asking God for were not coming to me that year, even up to the last minute. I guess it was really time to wake up. Now, more than three months have passed and I have a better understanding of things, a better insight to revel upon, and a brighter colorful future to plan ahead and look forward to. My family and I are back together under the same roof, with the constraints of the past hurts buried under the somewhat unfulfilled longing of our union. My friends from a distant and recent past are reunited with me for quite very good reasons. I am free to travel, to have fun, talk to anyone and just be myself. I am better at understanding things even from a vicarious point of view. I can say I am more patient and thankful now than I ever was. So as the new chapter of my life unfolds all by itself, a new challenge comes and someone pursues an absurd denouement from more than a decade ago and hopes for this to flourish into something more profoundly exquisite than just friendship. Maybe an even deeper and better understanding of what life is to all and both of us, and the freedom of loving someone in an absolute way that there won’t be fear of losing that person to another because both of you know that there are unseen ties that bind you two even when you were separated miles and decades apart, because in the end each of your hearts call upon each other in that solitary, lovingly longing way. Those are just tidbits of the “now” in my life. The rest is yet to come, my dear. |
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