I feel completely lost. I used to have hopes and dreams. And reasons to live. I had so much to look forward to in the future. Now, I have nothing to be excited about. I have a dead end job that I hate. I wanted to be something else but ended up being what I hate most. I force myself to wake up every morning to go to work and once I reach the office, I do my work half-heartedly. What did I waste my 6 years in university for? For a lame job that I don't even like? This is so depressing. Nowadays, my relationship isn't helping me at all. To tell you the truth, after that huge fight, I've become more numb. Right here in my heart. It doesn't beat as fast as it used to. Am I the one who's bored or am I boring him? I don't know. I just wish I had the answers to everything. Everything? Everything is nothing right now.

I secretly still cry at night. He doesn't know and I hope he doesn't read this entry. I don't know how to tell him how I feel. But, I think that I've told him countless times. Even as I am typing this entry, my throat feels sore, my eyes are burning with hot tears that I won't permit to fall, my chest is tight and I sometimes gasp for air. I need oxygen. I need the love and desire that was constantly there. I need HIM.

Or maybe, it's just me being OVER emotional. I think it's the same mistake happening all over again. I know for a fact that, everytime I fall deeply in love with someone, it turns out to be this way. I don't want it to be THIS way! I'm sick and tired of going through it all over again and again and again!!! I feel like walking away, but I can't. And I won't. No, I won't.

I've got to gather all the strength I need. I can't give up now. Or ever. Humph.. What the hell. I might as well take a break. I need that the most. I should enjoy myself with friends and family. I WANT TO BE INDEPENDENT.

Signing off,adlenenelda.  

Hi, my name is Adlene. Enelda is Adlene spelled backwards in case you haven't noticed. :p Why is my name Adlene? Some people find it hard to believe that my name is just, well, ADLENE. Maybe due to the Malay culture of parents naming their child with very long names, my very short name seems awkward. Eventhough, my name is ADLENE, many people (and I mean MANY people) have difficulty pronouncing my name. I've been called Adlina, Adlini, Edlin and God knows what other weird pronounciations I've had to endure through my 25 years of life. Whatever it is, I love my name because my father gave me that name. I wouldn't trade my name for anything in the world! :) Plus, it would be a convenience for my future husband to say my name during 'akad nikah'. "Aku terima nikahnya ADLENE BINTI ARIS...". Hahah! Well, it would be a nightmare to give your child a name that's longer than the space usually provided on school exercise books. For instance, imagine naming your child, SITI NUR SYAQIAH NURUL ASYIQIN BIN ABDUL AZIZ! Would not that be a mouthful for everyone to pronounce her name? It would be a much bigger problem for her when filling up forms for university applications, bank forms etc. Oh, the agony! Hahah.. And finally, bear in mind for the future husband of your daughter. Ahhhh... I would not want to burden my child with such long names. Kesian you know? I'd just keep it short and simple, but it would have to have meaning. :) Talking about meaning, mine can't be traced in Arabic, to date I only found one Arabic meaning to my name in a Baby Name Book my sister bought years ago. Adlene if spelled in Arabic with an 'Ain' and not 'Aliff' brings the meaning KEADILAN or justice. Heheh.. Am I just? :) I think so. ;p While tracing back the meaning in Old English (yes, it's originated from Old English, my father sure has taste in naming his daughter-lah!), my name means "the noble one". Noble am I? Heheh.. ;p All in all, I love my name. And my family. Also my beloved boyfriend. Speaking of love, my boyfriends name is Syafiq. It's Arabic for LOVING. :)