Living on the Border !!!
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3/27/2009 - Back again - same shit though
Posted in Unspecified


It has been quite awhile since I last wrote and hard to catch people up but been homeless , luckily I have not spent many nights outside but have being going around from hostel and hotel to hostel and hotel - feel very sad and like my life is going nowhere . Trying to stay clean but not easy and my life is truly on the line. I do not know what to do , do not know how to recreate myself and my life ... No clothes, no apartment , NOTHING and thus I feel worthless and like nothing.  How did this happen , who am I ?   I feel pure pain and failure ...  seems nobody understands ; the dark cloud over me gets darker and darker ...
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12/14/2008 - My Hopeless decent into old ways
Posted in Unspecified


It has been quite awhile since I last wrote , I used to write quite often , sometimes daily but with so much going on past several months I just kind of faded away with this online journaling stuff.  My BPD has taken on a new life , it has advanced and all the symptoms are coming out . I fall in and out of love so easily , I am empty inside, run from city to city , use drugs and cut and my drug use ( crystal meth ) has ravaged my life and made me homeless and hopeless but I have a week clean now and trying to put my life back together but am sad and lonely.   I will write more later but I am here and will try to write more. 
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11/5/2008 - The struggle within
Posted in Unspecified


It has been so long since I last wrote and much has happened , I have moved back to the states and away from the care free life in Central America as well as deciding I think to be away from my girlfriend who I may have decided to end that relationship, I care for her deeply and know that she loves me dearly as well but such is the nature of Borderline Personality Disorder and relationships.   I have struggled tremendously with my addiction to Crystal Meth again starting and re- entering my life , I have gone from Seattle to California and all over the place , going from ER to ER , Psych ward to Psych ward and on the streets but maybe today I am turning a new leaf as I am clean today for the first time in weeks and feel I have a real shot at sobriety , I must fight if I do not want to die . 
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9/20/2008 - Always Seeking
Posted in Unspecified


Seeking out something to fix me
something to take away the pain of the past
be it a woman, drug, drink, or city
I seek out anything to fix the darkness of my soul
feeling misunderstood
feeling mistreated and abandoned
but it is me who mistreats, misunderstand, and abandons
yet the darkness keeps me lost and alone
what will fix me , is it you ?
who will save me from myself ?
I have no idea how this works, and could use a hand
I try this and try that and nothing works
I go here and go there but remain lost to the world
feeling the pain, feeling alone; so very alone.
seeking, not finding; still seeking , seeking ..
where am I going, who will I become ??
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9/20/2008 - Help ( poem )
Posted in Unspecified


Help I am drowning
Help I do not know what to do
I know I have to save myself
yet I feel powerless to stop the storm raging within
Help I feel the tide getting higher and higher
I know you have thrown me life saver after life saver
yet I continue to tell you I can do it on my own
please help me to help myself I say
yet I continue to try my own way
the insanity that I display makes no sense and you get fed up
but please do not give up on me
please help me as I want to be saved
I know I have the key but cannot seem to find the lock
I am stuck, trapped by my own winds
I do not see a way out ,  can you please open my eyes ?
Help I say once more, please ?
Time is running out and I feel lost and afraid.
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9/20/2008 - Been awhile since I posted
Posted in Unspecified


This was originally a blog about my struggle with Borderline personality disorder and it still is but I am realizing that I struggle with me which is so much more than the diagnosis of BPD, I struggle with ME.  I am Borderline yes, I also am Bipolar and a drug addict and alcoholic as well as sex and love addict but it all boils down to the fact that I have trouble with me and dealing with who I am and my place in this world.  I have not posted in some time as I was moving around, using drugs again, and doing everything I could think of to fill that dark, empty hole inside my soul and I come back here more lost and confused than ever; at the height of my addictions and sad and lonely trying to find out what to do with who I have become.
So, maybe blogging again can relieve some of the pain and suffering that I am feeling and going through right now, not sure but it is worth a try.  So, I have wrote a bunch of stuff here that I plan to post and attempt to lighten the darkness of my soul that feels so dark and dirty like a dirty coffee pot that needs cleaning.  I am not sure who I am or what I need and there are people who have their ' expert advice' but I am here exploring who I am and where I am at on this day of my journey.  
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7/16/2008 - Struggling with difficult choices
Posted in Unspecified


I have been away again, starting working out daily to get in great shape and that is why. I am hoping to lose my gut and to get in good shape once again so I am eating healthy and exercising .  I am facing some difficulties though, am in this relationship with a woman I have been with for a year Tomorrow and whom I love and care for as we have been through so much together but I came out to her as Bi and she does not accept me, says I am wrong and this hurts me. For this reason and also I am tired of living in this 3rd world country and need therapy again and more support I am considering moving back to the states, but this is difficult for me because as someone who has been abandoned in past and has this fear I cannot imagine doing that to another and hurting them in that same way. I cannot imagine my life without her and my puppy who I also would have to give up but I need to take care of me, I do not know what choice to make but things are not easy for me here anymore and I need support and to be fully accepted and loved for who I am..  Will write more about this as I explore what to do as this will be a very hard choice to make , but she took the fan when she went to bed and I am too Hot to write anymore now.. More tomorrow ..
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6/30/2008 - Update again ...
Posted in Unspecified


Sorry for the absence again, things have been kind of hectic of late although I have made many changes in my life and am commited to making more as I go along.  I started a new diet and workout plan and am eating really healthy, no more soda, no more high calorie, high cab foods, I walk everywhere ( 2 + miles per day ) and will join a gym tomorrow - I want to get in great shape and model again sometime next year , I also am 126 days clean and sober and although it has been a struggle I take it one day at a time and work at it the best that the can.  As for the relationship ? That
is another story, she ( my girl ) expects too much of me and I also realized that I may be more Gay than I thought so I came out to her as Bi and she flipped and it has damaged our relationship for sure . I deeply care for her and love her but not sure that this is what is right for me - so time will tell and I am trying to stick it out but not sure I will in the end. 


My puppy is better as he was deathly ill before and he follows me everywhere, loves me to death, does not judge me and gives me unconditional love which is just awesome, I love him so much but when I do move away to model  if my girl and I are no longer together then not sure what will happen, if I will be able to keep him or not .  He reminds me of this great book I am reading called : Puppy chow is better than Prozac ...
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6/24/2008 - Going through it again
Posted in Unspecified


As hard as I try to have things be easier I continue to struggle with life and how to manage other people's attitudes and expectations. I feel stable on my meds but with no therapy and not much support it comtinues to be a struggle. I am starting a diet so I can model and get back in that life in early 2009 , will that lead to me using again ? I sure hope not but it certainly can I know, so I must be careful and take care of my recovery. I have 120 days clean and sober today and that is amazing for me but think about using again all of the time and the insanity of addiction still lives in me even though I am not activley using. My dog was deathly sick but now is better thank god. My fiance does not understand me and although I care for her and do love her, I realize that I am having more and more gay feelings and may be Gay after all, but do not know what I want - her or my freedom. I cannot imagine breaking her heart but I am confused and just dealing with a lot. Sometimes I just wish I could disappear and not deal with anyone or anything, the pressures or expectations, and just be alone ...   So here I am fighting through with no sponsor, no therapy , or anything - I am doing my best but sometimes I ask myself ' Why bother ? '.
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6/20/2008 - Another update on my life
Posted in Unspecified


My trip to see my dear friend in Florida was very, very nice and it was a joy to see him and also get away from the stresses of life that I have at home , I was able to go to some meetings, have some nice dinners with my friend , and also reflect on a lot of where I am going and where I have been, do I have an idea of what I want out of my life and my future ?  Of course I have an idea, several in fact but I am not sure what to choose as I have such a hard time making decisions at all and especially ones that affect the important areas of my life.  I know that I am Bisexual and need to explore that ( clean and sober ) but I love my woman and do not want to hurt her ; but have to ask myself if staying with her is who I am and if it is not then it is not fair to myself nor her to stick around, I seem to always do this ( Bpd or not , who knows )
and get involved in serious relationships with women and then later realize that I am not being who I am and thus it creates more struggles and difficulties for myself and the other people involved.   So, here I am 116 days clean and sober but also feeling very ambivalent about that as well, missing the old life as awful as it was and although still clean I feel that I am in relapse mode and not sure what to do about it, I know I want to stay clean and sober as I know that is my only chance to live a happier and successful life but miss that life for some reason, I assume the sex is why but all in all it is confusing and scary.  How is my Bpd treating me ?  I have many struggles as always but the blowups and moments of crisis are less and less but the stinking thinking of the illness is there all of the time and quite dangerous at times.  It is a constant battle and to make matters worse my Dog is very sick, my little puppy who is my medicine, hope, and life is sick and sad and that hurts me so much.  I guess I am doing the best that I can but wonder what waits for me in the future, which way will I go ?
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6/20/2008 - Inspiration in the air
Posted in Unspecified


Just watched the movie 'The Bucket List '  and it was amazing and inspiring, how life is precious and worth living to the fullest and not dwelling in the sorrows of today or the past. It brought tears to my eyes at the end , such an inspiring, uplifting film. Now I am nearing the end of flight one of two and soon will be in Houston and then in Tampa to see my dear friend Curt. I miss Leo, I do; not sure what will happen with us in the end as I am not sure what I want but I want to try at least, we have been doing better of late so I guess I owe it to her and myself to try; look forward to this trip and hope to get my computer hopefully in tip top shape again.
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6/6/2008 - Toby : I love you !
Posted in Unspecified


My dearest puppy Toby is so very special, sure he gets bad at times and chews up the shoes, and jumps on bed ( my woman hates that ) and then he poops and pees all over the house, but what he gives me in return is beyond explanation- He looks at me with those sweet eyes and licks my face to wake me up , he follows me around the house like his little happy self and pays close attention to all that I do, he needs me so. I worry for him when I go away as my woman will look after him but not much in that as she told me she hates him, and she is so mean to hom it makes me so angry; and sad.   Toby makes me feel important when I feel like all hope is lost, he loves me and never rejects me , he is so special and awesome and although he is more than a handful to care for, I love him with all of my battered soul ! You don't believe me how awesome my little friend is ??  Just take a look for yourself.. ( Toby as a much younger Pup - he is so big now)
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6/4/2008 - 100 days sober update
Posted in Unspecified


Not a whole lot to report, the ups and downs persist as does the ambivalence about my current relationship and want I want out of life in general. I have been trying to make money, blogging a lot on Squidoo - BostonRob is the name in case you wanna check me out there, and just trying to stay level headed. I go to visit my good friend Curt in the states in a few days and that should be nice, maybe I can figure out what to do with the rest of my life or at least the next period of it. Sorry I have not wrote much on here like I used to but I try not to think of Bpd too much as it could make me worse, I have 100 days clean and sober which I think is amazing and just trying to deal with the always complex and never boring ME. 
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6/1/2008 - Relationship Madness
Posted in Unspecified


Maybe I am not meant to be in a relationship, maybe it is just not in my DNA. It seems that I seek out love and companionship but it just is not me as the relationship always fails - either by the other person not being able to accept me or by me losing interest in a romantic sense and just developing a friend type of a connection and then it just falls apart anyway. There seems to be a 6 month rule where I feel great and in love up until that point, then I drift away or sabotage the relationship. I want to be alone and be free to see other people and the world but at the same time I do not want to be alone or cannot tolerate being without someone. I also become attached to the person and cannot imagine myself without them and/or I feel guilty about abandoning them, which could be related to my own fears of abandonment .  I just wonder if I was meant to be alone and if being alone would be better for me, mentally and emotionally.  I guess time will tell what comes of this.
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6/1/2008 - Life goes on
Posted in Unspecified


There has been so much going on lately in my life, I am not sure where to start but I will give it a go. I have been going through my normal ups and downs and life has been the usual roller coaster ride for me but some other things have been happening too that add to the mayhem. Leo ( my fiancé, Gf, Wife ?? ) has been going through some tough times, you know with losing the baby and all and has been worse of late and has taken it out on me, she won't talk unless she is yelling at me about my puppy who is bad sometimes, but he is a puppy you know. I am very ambivalent about what I want and what is next for me. Do I want to stay in the relationship with her, is it right for me ?  Or is it time to move on ?  I am ambivalent about lots of things and things are hard, I am trying to make money online but nothing yet and that is frustrating but I try to have faith in the lord, who keeps me going. I do have 94 days of sobriety now which is something amazing for sure. Bpd consumes me and makes life so very hard, relationships are not something I am good with, My illness is most evident in personal relationships and I usually go and sabotage them, sometimes intentionally and sometimes not, but they always seem to go down the toilet .  Right now I am nervous because we are in the middle of a Hurricane here in Nicaragua and I am afraid my satellite on the roof for my internet access will fall down just like all of the trees that have already fallen. So, as you can see there is lots going on but the one thing have to remember is it is not in my control, I am powerless over some of these things and the only thing I am not powerless over is my attitude, although some times it does not feel like it. Life is hard but I can make it, whether or not that is true I have to believe and keep pushing on,  I have been through and survived worse than this
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6/1/2008 - Aftermath of Hurricane
Posted in Unspecified


It is 8:30 am and I just finished cleaning out all the trash and debris that blew in my house last night during the storm, I have been up for a few hours now after what was an exhausting night and am about to try to lay back down to see if I can rest more, since there is still no power and no food or drink I might as well see if I can sleep more. There is water in my house as well , not the kind you can drink or bathe with but the kind that you have to walk through. I just am thankful that my antenna for the internet on the roof held up and did not come crashing down, let's hope that was the last of the bad weather for now. Not sure when I will post this because not sure when power will be restored but 'Here I am ', sad, not sure what to do about my relationship, frustrated that my house is dirty and so is laptop , and wanting to eat, shower, and get online ; but with all of that I am alive, have 95 days of continuous sobriety , and still have an antenna on the roof, heck; I still have a roof which is more than I can say for some people.
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5/26/2008 - Update on Life
Posted in Unspecified


Been away again, sorry guys. I am just checking in here. Things have been better, my meds have kicked in but still get depressed and have my episodes of course. I am feeling very ambivalent about my relationship with my finace right now, I have lost interest and feel like I wanna leave, when these feelings happen it is difficult to want to be in the relationship again, I fade out of love and just want my freedom again. The problem with BPD for me ( there are actually many ) is that I get into someone or something and give it my all then after six months or so I want out and I move on, has made life very difficult this.  Also my fiance yells and is angry all of the time and I am not sure I can deal with that.  I am 91 days clean and sober which is great, such an accomplishment but still feel like something is missing, maybe it is, who knows ?

I will try to write once a week but have been busy with other things, sorry friends.

Robby
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5/19/2008 - Stopping in
Posted in Unspecified


Again I have been away, doing other things and trying not to get so wrapped up in my disorder. I have been feeling better, maybe the Prozac is working but today I feel kind of down. I just am here living with my Wife to be ( or already , I don't know ) and I just am thinking that maybe this is not me, that maybe I do not belong here, I mean I care about here and do love here but I also realize I am Bisexual, I am different in many ways and maybe she would be better without me and me Likewise.. I do not know.  I cannot imagine my life without her but also do not know what my life will be like with her..  Confusing stuff this BPD, Never sure what we want..
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5/11/2008 - Check it out !
Posted in Unspecified


I am putting in another plug for my BPD site I created at squidoo.. Go check it out if you are new to Bpd or for others that follow my writings, I have many other pages on various subjects over there.. Just another way I keep my sanity and stay focused on the task at hand, which is living life to the best of my ability

www.squidoo.com/bpdisreal
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5/11/2008 - 76 days sober but feel not right still..
Posted in Unspecified


Today just hanging around the house in this my 76th day of sobreity. I am somehow moving forward and doing this despite my worries and obsessions and hardships in my life right now. I have to be honest in that I feel very depressed and unsure of everything still but am doing the best that I can, writing and blogging and trying to have a positive attitude despite obvious pain and discomfort.  My Girl ( Leo ) does not get me but I cannot do anything about that, it is not my job to make others understand me, my omly job is to do my best to take care of myself and try to move forward.
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