Living on the Border !!! - November 14th Entry- JournalHome.com

Living on the Border !!! - November 14th Entry- JournalHome.com Living on the Border !!!

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12/12/2007 - November 14th Entry

Today I woke up with the Normal reaction of not wanting to get out of Bed, Depressed and wishing I was someplace else. I always wish I was someplace different or with someone different or even I wish I myself was someone different. I gradually come around throughout the day But honestly If It was not for My Fiance to make me get up, eat , and take a shower then I would not do so. Not quite sure why that is, Could be that I do not care how I look and when I feel bad on the inside then why do something about the outside ?

I spend a lot of Time on the Net as I see it as my escape , A way to escape the reality of my sometimes Not so exciting Life. Never knowing what I want is difficult for me. For instance, I get all excited when I meet a Girl at first. I have the emotions of fearing abondonment and rejection in the beginning stage and the Sex is amazing and I am all emotional, with butterflies in My stomach and all But then over time I get content and The excitement is Gone at which time I usually seek out something new and exciting again. Of course this Hurts the person that I am with. I get the same way with almost everything in my Life, when I lose interest I usually get up and Go. Another difficult thing for me is that I often get positive from the Females here where I live, Unlike what I had in the states and Since i was a child I Have been very shy and afraid of the opposite sex, so It is hard for me to abstain and not act on these advances that I receive. Attention is important to me, If I am not the center of attention then I feel like I am not important. I often do not care what the attention is, negative or positive. I just want it to be about me.

I am struggling with the fact that I have been sober this Long, I do not do well with being in my own Mind and skin without an escape, I do not like to feel emotions since I do not know how to deal with them. I am yearning for that escape again but Know that my Life is even more of a mess when I am High. I know that I have great potential, It is just a matter of staying clean and sober and believing in myself, taking steps and doing the next right Thing. often easier said than done though.

I go up and down frequently throughout the day, everyday. Any little thing can set me off, I do not deal well with people telling me what to do or telling me "NO", I however have not had an Angry outburst in Many Months now which I see as Progress.

My mood at this moment is balanced(as much as it can be ) and I am trying to stay in the moment, something very hard to do for me. I am frustrated from waiting for my Books to arrive, So I can continue to read about BPD and other Pyscholgy Topics, But the mail system in My Country is not exactly Top Notch.

Guess that is all for Now, I am having a severe case of Witer"s Block at the moment, I am new at this writing thing, Be patient friends and I will Write more Tomorrow.

R.C