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Entry 1 of 335
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12/12/2007
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thoughts for November 17th
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Today I feel Sick, not in the head or emotional state though. I think
that i have a touch of the flu, do not even feel like writing but It is
something that I am committed to and that helps deal with my roller
coaster emotions. Last night outside of my front door there was a Big party, street fair atmosphere, they call it Carnival. It was wild with all these floats and dancers in the street. Leo and I watched with her family. I took some pictures and It was nice, I was tempted to drink due to the party atmosphere but was able for once to use my better judgement and not give in to my very powerful Impulses. Today I am doing my usual Blogging as It helps to deal with the constant caos that runs throughout me on a daily basis. I do however feel some excitement and positivity about the future today and I need to embrace those emotions when they are present as The negative feelings are more common for me. I state that I am not sure who I ever am or what I want but that is nothing new in my life, something I have always struggled with. I am the type of person that wants to eat chinese food but feels bad that I cannot eat Italian. In other words I want everything and rarely am satisfied. Thinking about my Mother today and how nobody in my family understood or accepted her which led to much emotional pain for her, I feel the same way. I feel that Many do not understand me nor my many struggles and Inner battles, The darkness that fills my soul and keeps me stuck in this dark tunnel of my Life, I however know that it is My job to understand and accept MYSELF and to stand up for who I am. I know that although the odds are against me with BPD and my ever so baffling Addictions, I can pull through and rise above all that stands in my way. I know that living with these problems is not easy and is not guarenteed to fail nor succeed But I also know that doing nothing and not be pro active and Fighting for my survival is the only way that I will have any chance, the only way any of us have any chance of overcoming our adversities. Seven days until my trip to the states, it will be weird since I have been out of that culture for so Long now but will be Nice also as I get to see loved ones, be around my kind in the Gay community, and Get a break from Married Life, as next year with the Baby coming and all should sure test My emotions and recovery process. That is all for Today.. R.C.
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