Living on the Border !!! - Today is November 18th and This is How I feel.- JournalHome.com

Living on the Border !!! - Today is November 18th and This is How I feel.- JournalHome.com Living on the Border !!!

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12/12/2007 - Today is November 18th and This is How I feel.

Another day in Paradise so to speak, Of course I am being sarcastic! In all honestly Today has not started out to be one of my worst days, I do feel under the weather and such but Emotionally feel better than over the past few days. I have been able to stay centered or as centered as I possibly can. I get frustrated when people I debate certain political issues with Online try to deface My character as I do not think highly of myself to begin with, But I try to remind Myself that I am a Good and to continue fighting for what I believe In. Somedays I wonder why I write this Blog, I mean who is actually reading It anyway ? The fact is I started this Site was to Help myself deal with my various issues and confusing feelings, sort of Self therapy . If I help others all the better but I need to continue so I can personally Grow and get better.

Asserting myself is a Big issue for me as I never really know when or how to assert myself. Often come across as a bully and a raging maniac. I do not know when or how to say what I need to say, The BPD diagnosis is perfect as I am always borderline Pyschotic, although I am much more stable than that of a person who sufferes from full blown psychosis, I do however fly off the handle and that is even more possible and evident when I am under the infulence of Crystal Meth. I used that stuff to be released from the so ever so Potent Pain and unsurity that I always deal with inside of me. However, this drug in the Long Run brought me to some of the darkest places that I could ever had imagined and That I never want to go back To.

BPD and Meth Intoxication are very similar at First Glance and do have some of the same characteristics, But upon close review one can see the vast differences. Meth makes me more sexually adventerous where BPD at it"s Highest point makes me shy away from Sex or lose interest rather quickly. Meth Gives me a confindence and energy about myself (until the crash ) that is nearly Impossible to attain With My BPD- although my Bipolar Mania evens that out at Times.

Meth turns my sexual fantasies into Violent and deviant where normally I am asweet, kind, Loving person. Where the similarites come in is I am Impulsive on Meth and Sober, I am Manicky and Unsure of who I am on Both as well. The thing is that I have BPD everyday, all day and although Addcition is lawys there waiting around the corner to pounce on me, I can (at least to this point) Keep it at Bay.

The Fact is that My Life is unmanageable when I use drugs or alcohol and although I have trouble managing my BPD, Bipolar, and often times insanity of my OCD, I am in control and have the ability to be myself when I am cleana nd sober, If I pick up that drug (or any) then the ball is out of my court and the combination of my Psychiatric Illnesses and the Ever so Powerful Addcition when active is A Deadly One, the road that I cannot afford to go down even one more Time. My life is manageable now, I am bale to make the next right choice. If I think that I can go back to that Life for one more "Party" Then I am in big trouble, because when My Mind starts to glamorize The Drug or any Compulsion and I downplay the Dire consequences then I am headed for sure disaster Again. With how Impulsive I am and the automaticness of my Impulsivity, I always have to keep my guard Up and watch out for My Demons.

So, As I sit here waiting for My Patriots To play (which Gives me Great Joy, A healthy escape.). I ponder what lies ahead for me in the upcoming days, weeks, Months.. dare I say years ?? Only Time Will Tell.

Until Next Time, Keep fighting the Good Fight !

R.C.