Living on the Border !!! - Happy Thankgiving

Living on the Border !!! - Happy Thankgiving - JournalHome.com Living on the Border !!!

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12/12/2007 - Happy Thankgiving

Happy Thanksgiving folks. I wish I could have some turkey today but in my country it is not celebrated. Too bad. Guess it will have to be a late Turkey day next week when I go back home. Today is a frustrating day, I almost had a explosive outburst at the local post office as the guy their said to Leo that my package could be there but he did not have time to check, she translated to me and it outraged me. I have waited weeks of this package, 7 to be exact! I know it is a 3rd world country and the mail is not that reliable but seven weeks, come on now ? I calmed myself down but almost lost it, I have been good in that reguard while I have been away, If I had acted like I did in San Fran last year and throughout my life and let my BPD get out of control, I assume the situation would be troublesome. When I get angry (mostly at authority figures) I do not know how to react and start screaming and cursing and throwing things and once I start It is very, very difficult to bring myself back under and be in control. I try to force my feelings on those people who reject me and will not do as I wish but often cannot succeed, which makes me even more angry. I did research before and thought that this was Oppositional defiant disorder but the more I think about It it is just another aspect of BPD I Imagine. Whatever it is, It is something that I need to control as it can get me in a lot of trouble one day. I would get thrown out of schools, rehabs, etc. when I lost my temper before. It is uncharacteristic in one sense for me as I am a gentle, kind, non violent person but when angry, I do not know how to react I suppose.

I think that people are a product of the environment that they grew up in and learn what theya re shown, and for me (although I love(d) my mother dearly) I think that seeing her emotional instability and problems it conditioned me to be similar, and being sheltered by two women growing up did not help in my development either. Plus using drugs all these years to cope, being clean now is hard because I do not know how to cope with seemingly simple situations and issues. I think that when one uses drugs for so long, that it stunts their development. I think this has been the case with me.

Anyhow, enough of my personal philosophy for one day. I am doing OK, Despite..well despite Life and it"s complexity I suppose. Just continuing to anticipate my upcoming trip, stressed about money and how to pay for it all but Plan to enjoy myself, relax and spend quality time with quality People !

R.C.