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Last night did not go to sleep until 6 am, I was awake with racing
thoughts and unable to sleep also because I ran out of sleeping meds. I
was thinking about everything from My childhood, passing of Grandmother
and mother to this upcoming Trip to the States. Finally I did get a few
hours of shut eye. Now I am writing my last journal entry before
setting sail on My journey Tomorrow. I am getting more and more excited
about this trip but also nervous, I will miss Leo as I realize that I
have a good thing with her and am generally Happy. I do notice that
what I want today is not always what I will want tomorrow as my wants
and goals always change, often without my consent.
I am a
firm believer that people do what they are and my life has been a
testimony of that, I do everything with my heart and know that I will
do great things one day, If I am able to continue to overcome the
adversities that I face. I was laying there last night and was
thinking, ¨WOW, I have a mixed bag of feelings about almost
everything¨. I never know for sure what I am feeling, who I am or
anything. It is a constant battle to fight through the baggage and fine
the real Rob. I am an attention Junkie, always need validation, whether
it be from men, girls, etc. I also do know though that I have a BIG
heart and care deeply for those that Are in my life and want to always
do the right thing. I know now that my drug abuse in the past and
actions do not only affect me but everyone else that cares about me,
and yes there are people that love me even when I do not love myself. I
know after all that I have been through that I was brought through the
storm for a reason and will Help many people one day, I must admit
however that it is a struggle not to give in to my compulsions and
Impulses so I can avoid immidiate Pain. I have to dig deep if I want
to continue to make progreess on this road of recovery, Being Dual
Diagnosed is a difficult thing, as You always have two things to fight,
two illnesses that want you to Fail..But It is possible and not only
possible but a sure thing if you keep at It and never Give up.
So
I leave with this question before I head out on this journey, Who is
Rob ? That is right, Who am I ? Well, I am a Father, Son, Friend,
Humanitarian, Child of God, I am Gay, and Straight, and Spititual, and
motivated, and Unique, talented, Happy and Sad ..I am Funny yet
sometimes Boring, a philosopher and psychologist, An addict, But a
survivor. I am a dreamer, a Little Boy and yet a Man, I am what I want
to become so desperately and something that I will never become, I am a
Red Sox, Patriots, Celtics, and Bruins Fan, an Artist, A lover of
Animals and Children and all that is Amazing in this World, I am not
Perfect but Strive to be.. I am Rob, Who is often complicated and
complex, Determined to Push through no matter how hard the fight, I am
ever changing yet stay the Same. This is Who I am, now Who will I
become ???
¨My battles do not define Me, How I overcome them Does ¨.
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