Living on the Border !!! - Notes on my Disaster in San Jose and Recovery- JournalHome.com

Living on the Border !!! - Notes on my Disaster in San Jose and Recovery- JournalHome.com Living on the Border !!!

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12/12/2007 - Notes on my Disaster in San Jose and Recovery

I am back in Leon at my Home with my fiance and am glad to be safe and alive but emotionally damaged and battered. I tried to Go to visit friends and family in the states after many months of planning but had an unfortunate situation come about, was attacked and robbed for my Passport and Money and was not able to continue on my trip. This happened just minutes after I departed the Bus in what I view as a hell hole, San Jose, Costa Rica. I was so depressed and bloody from the attack, after getting checked out at the local hospital I went out and drank and used cocaine, ending 174 days of being drug free, I continued to use although had severe chest pain and other OD Type symptoms. It was like I was so depressed that I gave up and did not care if I died from using, This crap always happens to me. I am not sure how to deal with the Pain even after all these years. I thought I had gained significant ground in my recovery but really when push came to shove I gave in and used the drugs as a way to escape and not face the pain of my situation But in the end the drugs made everything far worse and caused me more pain. That city of S.J , C.R. Is so very dangerous. Lots of drug addicts and homeless people desperate for the next fix or meal. I know what it is like to be in that situation but never would I harm another person. I guess that is me and not everyone has such a kind, loving heart. We live in a sick, cruel world and people are often selfish. Sad it is !

I feel I let those down that wanted to see me and had expected me to come , I know that it was not my fault but it is typical of how things happen in my life, I always Fuck everything up and can never do anything right. I feel that I had made much progress with My BPD and addcition but now feel like I am slipping and so let down by all that has happened over the past few days. I feel damaged, lost emotionally, and Very Sad.

So, more about my ordeal. After using for the night of saturday into Sunday I went to hospital for the pain in chest, and more. They tested me and said I was OK, But stillhad pain and trouble breathing. I went back to hotel and watched the Pats game, gave me some Joy although I was pretty numb by the whole situation. I had more drugs but at this point did not want to continue destroying myself, I tossed them in toliet. I looked at Leo¨s picture and thought of my friends that I would now not see and cried, panicked and was very down. I made a police report and the bus driver said I could pass the border with the police report and did not need a passport, after the long six hour ride they did not let me through the border back into nicaragua, I cried and pleaded as I watched the bus depart with all of my belongings on the bus, my clothes,ipod,mdeicine, and basically all that I own. I spent much time on the border trying to convince them to allow me entry intoi the country, as now my dream to return to the states was lost, I just yearned to get home to see my baby Leo. I looked at her photos and cried, went into full breakdown mode. Was hungry, dirty, had not shaved and so very sad. I walked back and forth between the two sides and could not pass but finally used my card to pay for the taxi ride and an exspensive one at that, I got back in Costa Rica and slept at the hostel and then next day went to the embassy and got an emergency passport and went to Nicaragua where Leo and her family met me and It was so good tos ee her, I no longer felt alone and empty, we drove to Managua and slept at her brother¨s house. Now we are Home.. Yes I am happy to be alive and back with her and in my house. I do feel traumatized, Like my Addiction is reactivated and my BPD is at it¨s worst, so very depressed which is more like a severe depressed mode than The ups and downs of BPD. I do not know hwo to pay my bills, ever save enough to go to states again, and really confused on who I am and if I have made any progress at all. The Impulsivity of this illness caused me to forget about all that I know of recovery and stuff that junk in my body again, not caring about nothing but covering up the pain. I am powerless for sure, over drugs and alcohol, my emotions, other people¨s actions, and so much more.

So where does this leave me now, Not sure. What do I do now, Who knows. I am alive, damaged but not broken and guess that I will ease back into Life and see where it takes me. I feel down, confused, hurt, But know that maybe there was a reason for this, maybe I needed to see exactly where I was and am and need to re evaluate Where I am in my recovery from drugs, BPD, and Overall my place in Life. They say what does not kill you makes you stronger, I do not feel very strong right now, But am trying to see the Light .

R.C.