Today is just like everyday has been of late, overwhelming, stressful, and agonizing But there are the Little joys that make me smile and enjoy Life a bit. I watched the Patriots(my football team) win a great game today and got quite excited, Following Boston Sports teams with the excitement and Passion that ignite My Soul gives me happiness and relives some of the Pain that I live with. It is a distraction and way to escape without causing damage but It also gives me great Joy no matter how  I am feeling, whether It is a good day or bad day.

Now I feel bored and uneasy in my skin once again which also is something I feel when the game is Over, I feel the same Chaos inside of me and need to escape. I have a lot of issues and feel like I always have to be busy in order to not feel what I am feeling or think bad thoughts. I so want to be someone else , feel like someone else or be somewhere where I will not expierience such Inner turmoil and self Pity, But the truth is that I am Me and cannot be anyone else, I have to learn to accept myself for who I am and accept who I will never become. I will never become Tom Brady, or Brad Pitt, or Justin Timberlake.. I need to be happy with who I am and Happy in my own skin- But I never can seem to be content and practice Self Love and Acceptance. 

I seem to have two things Going on inside of me that Are a large part of my overall make up and they are (1.- My extreme sense of self pity, feelings of helplessness and Impulsivity to Find any means available to Avoid Pain (2.- My motivation to make changes in my life and be passionate about everything that I do.  The problem is that I never seem to be able to carry that motivation and drive to the next Level and Actually take the steps needed to Follow through And Complete anything or not revert to self pity and The hopeless state of Being that so often consumes me.

I have all these dreams But feel absolutely Paralyzed by my Emotions, I feel unable to follow through and make lasting change a reality in my Life and world. I know that I do repeat myself often here and in general but I just cannot seem to get over the hump and past that Feeling of Nothingness, I cannot seem to prevail.  There are two kinds of people in this World, Those who MAKE things happen and Then those who WAIT for things to Happen, wait for the Miracle.   I am the Guy who waits,hopes, and Wishes, If I had taken certain actions in the past then I would be where I want to be, Instead I am always Sitting, Waiting, Hoping.

Finally  for Today, another thing I struggle with is my Unsureness and Cloudiness about Who I am and what I want and do I realñly want what I have ?  I am with an amazing Girl, beautiful, smart, and so supportive an Loving But I look and around and look for other girls and Also wonder If I like girls at all .. I know I do but that is just an example of what I go through with this uncertainty, I push peoploe away but then beg them to come back, always want all the attention or I feel like I am nothing, I want it all and want it all Now.. am I fucked up or what ? I look so Good and together on the Outside but On The Inside I am so very Mixed Up and Lost.

So that is my rambling for Today, I am still trying to deal with my Issues and find solutions, I know DBT would help a lot as Meds do not seem to work for me, actually seem to make me worse Off in many ways, More confused.. I need therapy.. even a session or two would help but where I live it is virtually Impossible. My main Hope right now is to get a Computer for Home so I can write in this Blog more (as It helps) and Try to pursue a writing Career, At the very least it coulkd help me deal with the issues I face more, Instead of sitting around Moping.. I say I hope for  a  computer But because it is yet another part of my Life that I am not in Control of.

I feel like I slipping away, I am gripping on with all my might, trying to find reasons that keep me struggling but the madness Drives me Nuts, I struggle not to Cut, not to self medicate, To try to find a solution.. I owe it to those that Love meto try and Fight ... Another day is in the Books, I will sleep it Off again and Look forward to The "Sun " Possibly Rising Tomorrow!