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Entry 1 of 335
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12/12/2007
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My Endless Search for Perfection.
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As people we constantly search for Perfection in all that we do but this cannot be Obtained and for the Borderline this is especially True, the need to never make a mistake is always something we strive for and the more mistakes we make the harder it is to accept ourselves. I carry my imperfections around like an old beat up stuffed animal, never letting them Go, almost like they define me or are some sort of a security blanket for me. The search for the Perfect Me is an endless search as I know that it is not possible, not for any of us But still I strive to become that ulimate Man. The man who everone flocks to for advice or comfort, that all the Girls want and all The Guys want to be, I think that as Humans we want to be accepted But Unlike most people in society, The Borderline is unable Often to accept themslves or the things that happen to them In Life and if you cannot accept Yourself then how can you expect anyone else to Accept you. The same goes with Love, if you do not Love yourself then why would another Love you ? The Borderline feels as If he/she always has to be in the spotlight, receive all the attention and Impress those around them, they feel that their best is never good enough and that they are unable to Do anything that not only will take away the Pain but also Give some meaning to their Lives, They feel Helpless. Perfection is something they seek to reach although to even come close to such an accomplishment is often impossible for the Most together person, and the Borderline although a Smart and Talented person by most accounts is far from together and grounded, Instead they are Often Lost and Mixed Up. For me I always want to be in the Spotlight but when that Light gets Too uncomfortable I want to Run and Hide and escape the Pressure that I always feel .. Kind of like when the Heat in the kitchen is too Hot you have to get out. I love attention and in many ways need it but My severe Shy traits make for it impossible or very difficult to accept and deal with that very same attention. I'm 32 now, going on 33, and was diagnosed with Bipolar 14 years Ago and Then BPD four years ago. All of my life I have been a shy creature...afraid to do a lot of things but wanting to so desperately. High School years were terrible for me, so I created a character that would laugh a lot and Hide who I was so no one could get to the real terrified me. My years that were supposed to be my College years just amplified that persona, and drew me into a terrible depression after a party gone wrong, Rejection, or Any sort of Letdown. I've been hospitalized, and treated with many anti-depressants and anxiety meds...but well, I've chosen poetry and writing here on my blog as more of a release these days. It doesn't leave me with the Euphoria that I felt on those medications. Here is a poem I wrote Today about the cycle I know I go through, and probably many of you go through too! "The demon who seeks my Soul" The Happiness and complacentcy within my soul does not last as it escapes me and the Madness returns Fast, why do I feel such anger and confusion when I am in a place of such amazing Light But the darkness returns and then goes away and then returns yet again. will I ever feel OK, Will I be like others or am I deemed to alwqays suffer The self doubt and search for perfection that always ends in pure destruction what is my escape today, who will be my savior? The depression, and utter Insanity is so part of my world but The question arises, why me, why now, why won"t it go away or at least let me have today, to love and be loved without the constant feeling of doubt of who I am and who loves me and is it just another sick joke played by those who pursue me , who seek to destroy me and my quest for meaning and understanding, can this really be happening ? I walk through the shadow of the valley of death wondering if this will be my last breath, is this it, is this when I say goodbye for the very last time or will I be fortunate to live another day, To be happy and leave the light on or is it just another try gone wrong? It is like a demon that chases after me and he never let"s me get free, from his grip on my mind and soul, man does this battle get old He shouts with bitterness and hate I cannot run or hide from this demon that consumes me My night continues filled with rage Yes, I search for an escape from all of these feelings and writing does help alot, But for any Borderline or person with severe Internal issues such as I have there needs to be more support, more treatment as This is a lifelong illness in a cold, and often Unfair World and No escape will end the madness and heal my soul or the soul of anyone who suffers mental Illness. The drugs and alcohol provide temporary relief but in the end cause more damage and self hatred, Every other escape just Digs the Hole deeper, There is a dire need to be saved, to feel normal and have simple life without the ups and downs and Just be Happy but no idea of to reach or achieve that Need or goal, I like to write and read and grow and learn and I feel that as hard as this Fight I am engaged in is for me, I am glad I am going through It as weird as that sounds as It is Me and It helps me keep prespective, If nothing else it Keeps things Interesting. After all I cannot live without Drama in my Life, Yes it is hard that nobody understands what I am feeling or going through and why I do the things that I do but It is what it is and I am who I am.. whoever that may be.. Different everyday! So I continue to search for meaning, perfection, direction in my Life and I do learn something each day, Have good days and bad but mostly days that are filled with every emotion and feeling imaginable.. What does all this meanI do do not know but Life is not a destination but a Long journey with different Stops... Some Good, some bad and some Just are what they are ! R.C |
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