This roller coaster of a life is sure difficult to manage.. It has been this way my whole life so why Am I having these struggles now ? You would think that I would be used to it by now, But do we ever get used to uncertainty, Chaos, and Madness? I know that I don"t , Even when the episodes come on and I know that it will not last but a few minutes, I still feel trapped, lost, and afraid..Like a little child lost in the Grocery store seperated from their mother. I feel like a little child often but that is not uncommon for a Borderline as we always feel like children and behave as such as we know no other way, The lack of self control and ability to manage the complex, overwhelming , debilitating emotions and thoughts makes for a Uncertain and Painful existance.  There is that part of me that Has hope and motivation to rise above and fight what I face and be all that I can be, It seems though that the negative, pessimistic side of me always wins out..

The expectation of others in our lives and the Constant feeling that all that We expect will never be met, Nor what we expect for ourselves, The feelings of Being let down and abandoned and Not being important enough to have what we want is reasonin itself to feel hopeless and want to throw in the Towel. The feeling that why should I want anything or try for anything as I will never get it or I am doomed from the start so why Try.. That is how I feel most times, that I am doomed so why even take the shot...additudes like this get people nowhere but I honestly do not choose to feel or think this way.. This is what is called automatic feelings and thoughts.

I live in a world (Inside of myself) that Constantly reminds me that I am not goodenough, not cute enough, smart enough, etc, and will never be but that Keeps me wanting more.. the Car, house, Girl, Etc..so I can fill that hole inside, fill up inside so I do not have to feel the paina nd Chaotic Mess that is Me- The all or nothing attitude, the wanting it all now or never, the fear of Taking chances, and the "Pull and push" method that I have in relationships are all Part of my reality and that I live with and I imagine other Borderlines do as well. The "push and pull method I am referring to is Wanting to be close in a relationship and be loved but not knowing how to love back or being afraid of the feelings, so you say stuff like.. "Why don"t you leave me, I am no good?" But when they do Go to leave you say "No, please stay? I need you " It confuses the other person but is a way of life for me, uncontrolable and is how I am, constantly sabotaging relationships, Jobs, Opportunites because of the feeling that I just do not deserve it or the thought that I should end it before they do and hurt me even more.. I guess it is the feeling that Everything will fall apart in the end.

Another issue I face everyday is the issue of relationships and other people, always wondering if I want the relationship I am in or do I want to be free, not getting attention as a Kid I always seek out attention, wanting to be wanted, needed, and have It all. This hurts those that do love me as they feel unwanted then, It is not my intention but I secretly want to be wanted by everyone and desired and if I am not then I feel unimportant.  This constantly causes me to raise the question.. "Who am I, and What do I want ? " The answers to these questions are not clear, I wonder if they ever will be...I guess I shall wait and see..

So these are the thoughts going through my head Today, wanting and needing to make positive changes in my life and finding ways to succeed and accomplish my dreams, treat my illnesses,and Make better choices, The question is "How?" Change is something that does not come easy, not sure how to control my emotions and actions, nor go for what I want, follow through wityh what I start, or not feel sorry for myself.. Not sure if I am coming or going, up or down, Happy or sad.. Not sure where I stand in this world But I keep tryinga nd that is all I can do.. Try until I either succeed or Give Up..

I love my Fiance and am happy about our soon to be born Baby, I am looking forward to a second chance at parenthood but scared.. I am afraid of a lot.. I cannot even take care of myself so what makes me think that I can take care of a baby when I failed so misrably before? I am afraid of losing my income and not be able to provide for my family, afriad that I cannot have all that my heart desires, afraid to be alone, persecuted for my Sometimes unpopular opinions, Afraid to Fail, to not live up to the expectations of Me..

I am Happy I suppose but always feel as if something is missing, and I guess it is and that is what ability to love myself and accept who I am.. I feel as if nobody understands me, feel so damn mixed up inside and have nobody to explain myself to, I am not even sure if I could explain my feelings as I most times do not even know what I am feeling.. Iwant so much but do not know how to get thosethings, I want to be at peace most of all But am not quite sure what that means.. All I can say is that I will continue to explore my feelings and who I am and try to enjoy the little pleasures in Life.. Try to live through the Storm and just .. Be!

R.C