Living on the Border !!! - Being Who I am when I don"t Know who I am- JournalHome.com

Living on the Border !!! - Being Who I am when I don"t Know who I am- JournalHome.com Living on the Border !!!

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12/14/2007 - Being Who I am when I don"t Know who I am

I know that the title of today"s Post does not make sense but what in my world does make sense ? I have to attempt to live my life the best that I know how and be who I am while I am in the search for my True self, Although not easy to do, Action is often required to even attempt to make any type of Change. I have asked so many times here "Who am I ?" and yes, I still seek to find out that answer but I realize that I cannot lay down in bed and Cry my life away, I must make an effort even if the effort is in Vain, I owe it to myself and those who claim to care about me (although I often Wonder why) and to My Children.. My nine year old Boy and My Baby soon to be here on Earth.

I am very blessed, Have great friends (although many far in distance) and a great woman in my Life who is soon to have my Child.. However I feel Internally Misrable and Empty.. Like something is missing and I will never live up to my own expectations of myself or Have the Life and Me that I want. To be honest although Drugs ruined myself and nearly Killed me on several occassions They provided a snse of Belonging, a sense of Being part of something, a way to cope with the Pain and ultimately Not feel at all which obviously Eliminates Pain.. I really do not know how to live Clean and Sober, very new for me Which in turn has me always wanting to get High again, although that peace and serenity was always temporary.. It helped me deal, be who I wanted to be and escape the Madness that rages in My Soul. Now I am clean and sober (be it only 19 days) and I feel like alittle Boy who cannot manage his emotions or Life as a whole.

Speaking of my Relapse.. It was very devastating.. I used and Drank because of the Pain of my Robbery and the destruction of my Plans in Costa Rica last month but The more I used the more pain I felt so I just continued, I had thoughts of using anhow for many weeks so maybe it would have happened even if my ordeal had not occured.. Who knows ? The fact is that My Addictions and Mental Illness are two very different Issues that are forever linked together and work together to Destroy me. I am not out of the woods and as Good as I was doing being Clean and Sober, I was not mentally and emotionally in the right place as I never did take Drugs and Alcohol out of the equation and Used it as an Escape and Crutch when the going Got Tough.. Which always leads to disaster. To truly recover, One has to Feel and process their emotions and Not self medicate as We all know that drugs do not help, they destroy and keep us stuck right where we are. I know this but still the Addictions have so much power over me and my life and the Drugs are always in the back of my mind as a Tool, when it is really a self destructive Mechanism.

I feel lost, Hopeless, and That I always let down everyone in my Life.. These feelings further my need or desire to Abuse and self medicate.. Addiction, BPD, and all the other are just labels and Symptoms of what is really Going on and that is Lonliness, Fear of what I am, confusion, Hopelessness,and more.. Basically My Mind and Soul feels like it is being held hostage and I cannot control or manage any part of myself.. Internallly or externally. People do not seem to understand Me and that is so very difficult.. They think I act out or continue to make mistakes out of selfishness or other self absorbed traits, That I care only for me when The truth is that If I cared about myself I would not cause such destruction to myself or Life. I always want to be rescued, enabled, and have things done for me as I feel incapable but If that happens then I will never walk on my own two feet, But the question remains.. How do I put one foot in front of the other when I do not even know what my Feet are ?

So here I go again, Complaining about the Dark Tunnel that I live in that is sealed at both ends, No way out for me or way in for anyone else.. Just walking from one end to the other, Hoping that the walls collapse and I can Finally be Free. Wanting It all, or just something that takes away the Misery but having No idea what step to take first, seems I take one step forward and ten more back to where I was, not only letting myself down but everyone around me...The constant ups and downs, manic highs and Plummets to the Bottom drive me Mad, I go up and down literally twenty plus times a day, Happy and positive one minute and desperate and suicidal The next. I know I have thye ability to do great things inside of me, motivation to Help others and Do great things but It feels stuck in me and I cannot seem to Find the Key.

I am me but who is me, Is me the character on Pooh.. The Gloomy and Pessimistic Eeyore or The Always easily Excited and Happy go lucky Happy Tiger ?? I never seem to know, I wonder if this is the typical Feelings that the Borderline has or is it just Crazy Ole Me??

R.C.