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Entry 1 of 335
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12/14/2007
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More personal Insight
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It is difficult being me, as The world does not for the most part understand my struggles or emotional battles not does much of the world accept who I am, so much of who I am I cannot even begin to explain to even the closest to me as Many do not understand it and are often led to Judge me. I am who I am however, the good, the bad, and the downright Ugly.. I want to change the things that Hurt me but not the things that others say are bad about me, and evil. After all only God can Judge me and in my opinion I feel God is the only one that understands My heart, soul, struggles, and ways of Loving. There are so many complex issues within me I have no idea where to begin, how to start unravelling the twisted emotions and feelings that consume me, I start by saying that I will not pick up a drug today, nor cut myself.. Two ways that I use to cope with the Madness that rages inside of me. I will wake up each and put one foot in front of the other and Try, I will try to adapt and be who I am reguardless of who approves or Not. I will fight and battle until The bitter end, whenever that may be. God made me this way, God sees me for me and sees into My heart and not always my actions, as lots of the ways that I act are exactly that.. acting and not feeling or who I truly am, a cry for help, a way to release or escape.. and Nobody can truly see who I am inside, what I stand for, or where I am going but God does and I try to, I so try to be the Me that can overcome and be Great, It is an endless struggle however. My soul is full of Love and desire to help others, To do good, There is not a hateful bone in my body but sometimes The Rage and anger is caused by not knowing how to deal with difficult situations and hateful people, I act out in Rage as The emotions are so overwhelming and scary, how do I walk through life I ask myself without exploding, the pressures too great, the expectations too high, and the Feat seemingly Impossible.. There has got to be a better way I ask ? Is there, when will I see it if there is ? All questions that haunt me daily, that cause me to behave in self destructive ways as that is all I know. There are many parts of me, Many sides, and peronal aspects of My personality, sexuality, soul, and More.. The question is that.. Are they all real ? Or are some of them just walls I put up not to deal with what is really going on ? Who I am I always ask and get no response, yes, people answer me but they do so out of feeling sorry for me, Hating what I stand for, or Not knowing what to say.. Only I know who I am and that is something that I will continue to investigate , after all Life is a journey, not a destination, I guess that is why it is called Life and not 365 days or 70 years Til we Get there. I am who I am and will be who I want to be when I realize that it is Me that Holds the Key... someone once told me "You get it when you want it", The trouble is I always feel so helpless, I want it but want it to come to me, and the Truth is that is not how the Game is Won. Too bad really, as Nobody never showed me how to stand on my own, So I continue to stand in my way.. Anxious, fearful, helpless, and feeling Stuck..For now at least. R.C |
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