Living on the Border !!! - The Little Boy Inside of Me- JournalHome.com

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12/15/2007 - The Little Boy Inside of Me

I guess that it is common with The Borderline Personality But I am really just a little boy Inside. I want to be taken care of and Not expected to deal with Adult emotions .. I want to always be a child and not ever Grow up, I actually Do not know how to be an Adult although I try to conform to what The world wants me to be. Life is about Living for who I am but Who Am I ? I feel the emptiness and doubt and feelings of hopelessness but everytime That I have health problems I fear for my Life as I want to live, want to be successful. But do not know how to get there.

As I walk through this Life I know that things are not right, don"t know how to fill the holes that I keep, the holes that I fill with Everything but what is needed, each time I put something in it falls out from the leaks in the package, that package is my soul, my soul that yearns to be filled with Love and purpose but nothing ever seems to do the Job, I know that nobody in life really has "It figured out" But sometimes It seems that they Do. Being a child was hard for me but so is being an Adult, It never seems to get easier, the struggle to become something great, to have constancy in my Life.. That is why I guess I always Move so much, change Jobs, hobbies, Relationships, cannot stay sober, Etc. - Because I do not know how to follow anything through, have constancy and consistancy in my Life.. I always seek the next New, different thing and am never satisfied with My life or what I have. Why is this ? I am not sure, It took me many years to get this far and I feel now like I am slipping back fast. Somedays are Good but then the misery returns. Girls Never showed me any attention and now they Do, But I have an amazing Girl in my life and do not want to hurt her, But at the same time I Love the attention.. I think In many ways I am an attention junkie, want admiration and Love.. But don"t we all? I take everything to extremes though, But we knew that already I guess.

I do not feel like a grown up, never really have. I like spending time with children (prefer them over adults) being around Animals makes me excited, I am a fan of sports to the degree of what a child would be, have child like fantasies in my head, child like dreams, Truth be told ...

" I am nothing more than a Little Boy inside, Who cries out for attention Yet I always try to Hide, I talk to people like a child but I do not know how I feel, I want to do the right thing , If the right thing isn"t Fear." " It is truly always raining in my head.". These are the words in Staind"s Song "Epiphany" But tell the story of how I feel, could not be more accurate actually.

I know that one day I will have to grow Up, But do not know how.. It is a scary Idea of being an Adult but I guess I am well into Adulthood and cannot Hide forever. I sit here worried about the chest pain and Heart problems but am hoping it goes away, sometimes I wonder if these health issues exist or is it Just Hypocondria, It is just that at the time it feels so real, Like now I feel like I am having a heart attack.. Guess I will go to the Hospiatl again as you can never be too safe when It comes to the Heart, would hate to be Wrong.

Guess that is all for now, so much to say and write but am consumed with this worry about my health and have a mental blockage in my thoughts as a result. Later I will Write more, as Of course I always have so much swirling throughout my Complicated Self.

R.C