Where am I headed ? What is Next ? I am not sure, I go in circles daily, Not sure what to do.. The lack of self control, the obsessive nature of my Persona and The self destructive traits are bad for me. I am fearful, hopeless (most times ) , and often very Lost. I want a Good Life but do not know what direction to head in. Everything feels like Failure or a Mistake.. I never seem to be able to get it right. I see how Leo"s Mom got here, she did not have any problems along the way and that could have been me, resting in The States with friends but instead I failed, I could have completed College and had Money and Pride but instead I am on Disability living month to month with No pride and a bleak Future , I know Life is what people make it but that is the problem, I cannot seem to make it anything.

This is a common occurance, Feeling sorry for myself but This is what I know, I feel down, Anxious, and unsure of everything. My heart is better, most likely was anxiety but possibly could be a problem, after all The drugs I have used in my life could have caused damage over time. I Create multiple Identies and argue with people online and also tell myself Lies and then tell people that I am a Doctor, Massage therapist, athlete, anything to make myself appear more interesting than I really am. WOW, I am amazed myself at the problems that engulf me, it seems they pile up and continue to multiply..

I need to get grounded some how, but for me I wonder if that is possible due to my constant Flip Flopping and changing .. Who I am, what I feel , and what I want. I need some therapy, Better meds, something .. as I am not doing it on my own, journaling is helpful but does not solve the problem, I am not God and can not Cure myself. I have all this creative energy To write and start a career in that, do Photography, go to school to become a Doctor, Etc.. But Wishing for it will not make it happen, I need some real direction, some Hope, SOMETHING !

I know that there are those that say that hope comes from within as does change, if that is the case I am screwed. I know I am a good, smart, talented person.. Just have a block, a destructive nature.. I feel the real shit, I say it how it is, I do not hold back my feelings but that is a problem too as I do not want to feel this way, I do not want to feel that I do not know how I feel.  I am an emotional ticking timebomb.. Not sure when I will explode and in what way I will do it.. Yes I have good moments but they are few and far between right now, I feel I need the Hospital again But that is not even possible where I am .

So I continue to search for new and better ways to cope, To cope Clean and Sober, without escapes, with the real me dealing with the real feelngs.. In the upcoming days I will continue to be Clean and Sober, read and reach out to My higher power and others that can maybe make the struggle easier and search within, write about the issues that I have bottled up for so Long and try not to behave in self destructive ways.

As The title reads- The Recovery Continues..Forever !

R.C