Living on the Border !!! - Some Hope Among the Hopelessness- JournalHome.com

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12/16/2007 - Some Hope Among the Hopelessness

Had a difficult night, Did not get much sleep in fact. I was up because was very anxious about My heart and all the uncomfortable symptoms that I was having.. I think part was anxiety and part was the real problem Going on with my overall health, But still it was difficult. I always say I want an escape from this madness and feelings of Being Lost and not being able to find my way but when push comes to shove and I am faced with these death fears, I do not want to Die. I want to live and and Make changes not only in my Life but others as well. I have to get some Help for my Medical Problems To make sure all is OK But also have to Get some Help for my Mental Health issues as they play a part, after all.. It is all connected I hear.

So Today, I sit here Tired but wanting to write some, Grateful to Have my Girlfriend in my Life and her support although she does not Understand me, she tries though. I watched the Updates on Pats game and they Won which was Awesome, I wished it was on TV, But can"t have it all I guess, LOL.

I had some good Ideas and Insight last Night as I sat in this uncomfortable Physical Pain (real or Imagined) and Anxiety. I know that it is not always easy to Practice Mindfulness and be aware of My surroundings and Feelings but it is something that I have to work at as It is a very important Tool in my struggle and recovery, Also Acceptance is Also Key, Of one"s Self , Life, and others. Another thought is that .This is my life, only one that I got and I have to Live It (even though I struggle with this Illness and other Adversity ) Instead of always waiting , wishing, and hoping to start something or something to happen. Another thought is that although there often seems no way out, no way to win and prevail through the Pain and suffering, We save ourselves in Life, we have to rescue ourselves instead of always waiting for our knight in shining armor. I know that it is hard for me to do anything for myself, or have any hope.. But I gotta Try or I will end up Misrable forever and never live out any of my dreams, yeah, they seem like pipe dreams but that is only because I feel incapable of action.

It is also Important that we allow ourselves to be What we are and not always try to change who we are just because the world does not approve of who we are or what we stand for, it is about Pride and again, acceptance ! I said it before and will do so again, I feel my only Job in life is to be who I am, whatever that Is. I believe that although Life is hard (for those with BPD and without) But if you can have some laughs and light moments in between Your Cries and Moments of despair, then you and I stand a better chance . I am a firm believer that one can not fully Understand what someone is feeling or going through or how to help that person If they do not go through it on some level themselves, That goes for Mental Health Workers and others. This is why I feel that I will be a great help as a Doctor as I have personal Expierience.. That is if I get myself together and don"t crumble first. It is very true that anyone with knoweldge of something can be helpful to another but having gone through it, You understand what works and what does not, having tried It all.

Not knowing who I am causes me to act out in ways that are not me and cause people to view me in a negative Light, people will doa nything to find answers and that Is why I often behave like I do, trying to get attention, find a solution, or anything to avoid the Pain. I know that I complain a lot about my struggles, It is because I know no other way but I also do understand that Those who endure great Pain and Complain Little are Amazing .. I want to be that.. I want to overcome adversity as I have said before and be that Guy. I want to be a voice of HOPE and inspire others to Chnage and be that same voice of Hope. After all, Pain either forces us to Act or to Dig our Hole deeper, It can be a great Motivater If we see it in the Right Light.

So, although I feel this intense anxiety about Life with a constant mix of emotions and mixed up thoughts, I know that it is far from over, It is only over when I want it to be, when I say I cannot go on anymore and as It stands now, I still have that Light in my eyes, I still have a vison for my life that does not Involve suicide, Living on the streets again, or " Snorting or Smoking " My life away. I have to only fight when the Madness sets in and remember that there is another way, Not easy because BPD is a disease of Control over the person suffering from it and Is simlar to a Car crash, you are Driving down the Road just fine, listening to your Favourite CD and then "Bam !", You Crash and everything is Horrible and Bad again and you sit there to pick up the pieces, If you still have the use of your Limbs. Anyhow, As long as I have some Desire to Have Hope , then The Air bag can save me and then the damage is not so Bad, and I can Survive !