Living on the Border !!! - Today"s Entry- Trying to move Forward- JournalHome.com

Living on the Border !!! - Today"s Entry- Trying to move Forward- JournalHome.com Living on the Border !!!

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12/17/2007 - Today"s Entry- Trying to move Forward

Got some good sleep last night , as I needed very much. I did not sleep much the night before so I went to bed early and feel more Refreshed today as a Result. My heart Pains are still there and feel like I have a touch of the Flu but trying Not to let it affect my Mood, Not easy though. As for today so far, My mood is neither Bad nor Good but pretty much in the Purgatory of Emotions. I don"t know what I feel, wish I did Though. Trying to accept the fact that I cannot have it all Now and get myself in a position to do what is so difficult for me and take small steps towards reaching where I want to be in my Life, To move forward and put an end to The Going in circles that seems to be an ongoing trend for me. I want to stop feeling sorry for myself and take the Wheel and steer Instead of always waiting for someone to save me and Give me everything that I want and feel I need in Life but do not have any idea where to start this process, It is a process after all.. All of life and moving forward is a process.. leading somewhere and when we regress then that means we are slipping backwards which is something I am all too familiar with.. It often feels like riding a Bike with no chain so you pedal and pedal but do not go anywhere.

There are many things I want to Do in my life, The first thirty two plus years have not been easy but also not been a
"Complete" Disaster. I have travelled to many amazing places and met amazing people, done great things and had Incredible Experiences..But with the Good comes the bad and obviously there has been lots of Pain and still Is but as In life there is always Pain, for anyone and everyone.. It is about perception and I continue to perceive myself as damaged and bad so that of course intensifies the Pain that I live with. I want to go back to school and help people by becoming a Psychiatrist or Drug counselor, Of course I have to maintain a clean and sober lifestyle to do that or anything, that is a major Goal of mine obviously but hard due to Impulsive nature and need to Escape what I am feeling.. all things that need work on through therapy.

Other things that I want to do are.. Write from Home as a career while I go to school, do more travelling, lose weight and be in good shape, be there for my Future Wife, Child, and Friends.. Be an activist for causes I believe in and help people in many ways.. and of course become Emotionally, mentally, and Financially Stable.. which again is a process.

Not much else going on today except that I want to do some more writing, Price Laptops Online and research ways That I can obtain one(need one to move forward in Activism , school, and Writing ) as it is difficult and pricey here at Internet Cafe everyday. I have to get some more Prozac as I am out, I also need to see what other Med possibilities are available here, as I know that there are other Med Combos that would help my Symptoms and Illness more. I spent some time with Leo (my fiance) and her family, her family cannot speak to me due to inability to speak English but they Adore me.. a lot of people adore me which I cannot understand as I see myself as a constantly failing, disturbed, Loser.. I guess people see what we sometimes cannot.

Trying to practice something I call "Word" Writing, similar to automatic writing except I pick a word and write about what it means to me and how it relates to my Life and feelings. I will be making some posts on that in upcoming days and weeks. I am new to this concept of writing and Blogging but so far I like it, I want to do more for many reasons but as far as this blog goes, It is the only Positive outlet I currently Have.

R.C.