Going Full Steam

I want to go full force,
be me.
find out who me is.
I want to let my horses run free
and let the dogs out of the house

do what I always fear, find the real

me that always seems to hide in the

corner, To be alive, not just breath, but really

 be Alive!

I need to understand who I am, what I want and what I don"t want, but how ?

The truth evades me at every turn and I often wonder.. Will I ever learn ?

I want to fly and be free, to be the man of my dreams and the one of hers, To accept

myself as Is and not always have to deal with this.. To be clear headed and not need drugs to fill the holes

within.. How do I do this and when does it come ?

. I wrote this short poem based on How I feel right now, I know that it is not the best but I am still learning with my writing, Hard to concentrate at the Internet Cafe, so noisy and Chaotic. It just describes how I feel and how I want to Change things, sick of living in this despair and uncertainty about It all.  I am learning as I go and now realize that I have to re program my mind , body, and soul as I stopped developing a long time ago as I used drugs for many years and there are many experts that state that You stop growing Psychologically and Emotionally when you start using Hard Drugs and then with the BPD, It makes it double .

Today was just another day, Nothing good nor bad.. played soccer and volleyball with the Kids near leo"s family"s house which was fun but my heart is acting up a lot now, so I need to take it easy. The medical care here is not very good, I could not get seen as They say that there is no Heart Specialist Available until January at the Hospital (believe that ?)and all the clinics are too Much money.. It is cheap here for rent and a plate of Grub but for health care and electronics.. Forget It ! I know that I have to get back to the states to get a check up but see no way of doing that at the moment or anytime soon due to financial situation. I just want to be well emotionally and physically and be able to manage my life, take care of my family, provide, and start up a home business of Freelance Writing. That would make things easier but at the moment the combo of my BPD and other Issues and all the Life stresses make me want to explode. Unbearable really.

I know that my writing has just begun and There is always room to get better, and I will but sometimes I just get so frustarted and want to be better now, want all my dreams now, and want the Pain to evaporate NOW. That is common with this illness though.. Now, Now, Now ! Wanting the instant miracle, To be saved and have it all brought to you without risking rejection Or The possibility of Pain.. So far has not happened. So Christmas is about to be upon us, my favourite Holiday of the year but no decorations in my house, No money for gifts, and No snow.. Plus my soul does not feel vey much in the Holiday Spirit.. I guess I should be grateful to be alive, have a wonderful woman in my life and more.. But the Pain inside and constant Disorganized Feelings make me want to scream and thrown things , yelling how Unfair Life is and how I cannot deal with It.. But for Today, for Now.. I take a deep breath and Go to sleep, hoping that tomorrow is just a little bit better and I can do as I have said before and move forward and not backwards.. Easier said than done with an Illness that constantly is twisting the truth and slamming you against the Wall.

R.C