Why is everyday a struggle to find some sort of balance? I get positive feelings an inspirations and then It goes away, I feel OK eating lunch or dinner with Leo, playing with her neices and cousins, watching TV, or looking up uplifting stuff here on the net but then I feel bad inside, feel anxious, worry about if I will have enough money to pay the rent, Eat, take care of things . I also want a more comfortable life, A life that enables me to accomplish my dreams, I want a sofa in my living room so I can watch TV better, a Computer (Laptop) so I can begin writing more and pursue my schooling and writing career (with all my doubt inside I feel I can do those things ) and just money to live on and take care of my family.. So yes My pain does not have to do entirely with Money but I know my life would be so much easier and I could move forward more easily if I had a Couple Grand to get those things, But I feel stuck.. in everyway a person can feel traped in that way.. emotionally, mentally, and of yes.. Financially .

I was feeling better but this morning I  just dropped again, when I see what I do not have or when I sit bored and with the emotions spinning throughout me with nobody to help, I feel lost and scared. Yes, I have a lot of insight into myself and my struggles but Insight does no good if you do not have a plan of action and yes, the tools to create that action with. I am sad, angry, Hurt, and spinning in circles but what else is new. I want my dreams, I wnat to help other people, Dogs, and do great things but how Can I do anything if I always am digging myself a little hole to hide from the World that is always Raining on me. How can I escape myself.. with nowhere to run or hide, I sit in this open space of life with everyone laughing at my failures, I ask for help but nobody heard me or listens to my cries. I know that I have to create my own Miracles but I honestly do not know where to start.. God, where do I start?

I have good things and people in my life but this always up and down, Cry me a river for myself, doubting, negative thinking and constant failure drives me nuts.. when does it end? when will I escape and finally stand tall ? When will I rise above the adversity and say Yes, I did it at last ? Do I want that much, a sofa, Computer, and to just do what everyone else does, Live their lives? Not to be scared, or worry all the time but enjoy my life and help others with theirs. How did I ever get in this spot, how did I become so lost emotionally and devastated financially? How ?

My last relapse really damaged my emotional state, as I felt like a failure before and even more of one now.. I had things going well and could have finally turned the corner but now feel like I am sliding back and it is all going downhill. I want to be clean and sober (am 22 days now.. a start I guess ) and be emotionally stable, have my BPD and Biploar under control, have nice things, have  a  career in writing online and go to school to be a doctor, be a good dad and husband and be Happy.. but that reality seems to be falling further and further away as I need HELP.. I need financial help, need medical and Psych. help, and more emotional support from my loved ones. I know people love me but do many really understand , do they know that I do not act out or explode or self destruct because I like it or want attention but because I am sick.. always have been, Just showing it more now.

The good in my days is getting to be with Fiance, all the wonderful Kids and some animals make me smile, and the Fact that I know that people do care.. Even if they cannot change things for me.. I know I have to change things for myself and that is hard because It is scary as I have no idea how to do that, Like most Borderlines.. I feel 100% Helpless..I try and then there always is a mack truck that derails my Jouney, somehow, someway.