Living on the Border !!! - What is in The Basket Today ??- JournalHome.com

Living on the Border !!! - What is in The Basket Today ??- JournalHome.com Living on the Border !!!

About Me

Recent Posts

Home

View my profile

My Image Gallery

Archives

Email Me

Calendar

Friends

Links

My Wall

Entry 1 of 332
Last Page | Next Page

12/20/2007 - What is in The Basket Today ??

I know that many who read my journal entries might view me as a complete basket case, always going back and forth and not being able to stay with a topic and keep my emotions in tact. This is My world, The world of the Borderline where nothing is absolute and nothing is ever as it seems, you may feel that you have things under control at one oment and feel like jumping off of a roof the next, Nothing is as it Seems..Ever.

I struggle to know who I am, what my Idenity is, what direction to head in to accomplish my dreams and finally be sane, whatever sane is. I Have a history of not being able to hold a Job, stay in one place, in one relationship or anything that is consistant. The Borderline sufferer Never knows if their world is good or bad, black or white, if the light is red or green, when to stop or Go.. I want that constancy, that absoluteness to my life. I want to have a dream and see it through to the end, make plans and finish them, But have no idea how to as when the going gets tough I just want to give up or switch to something new or easier. Example: I am in a relationship right now with an amazing Girl but like the attention I get from other girls and want it all and want it Now, I would hurt Leo if I cheated on her but The constant feeling that I am never satisfied and that I never can have enough in my life makes me seek out more Love, more adventure, more of anything and everything to fill me up. That is how it is with us Borderlines, We get bored and want something new, something exciting that fills us up in a way that we cannot do ourselves.

As You may or may not know, I was very shy as a kid and most of adult life and never had much luck with women so now that I am less shy to a degree and am paid all of this attention, I want to reach out and grab it.. But I cannot use that as an excuse as everyone wants attention and to feel wanted but with me It is never enough. When I use or drink I cannot stop until I feel perfect and that is dangerous territory , Same with Food, Travel, relationsnhips.. I try to seek out everything that will fill me up completely but I lack the one thing that will truly make me feel OK and that is Self Love, the feeling inside that I am OK without something external, But I do not know how so I keep filling and filling and still feel empty.

I want the Perfect life, I want the House, the Car, the Fancy Computer, and clothes, and Lifestyle But I feel incapable of getting it myself, I want a complete Life but How can I do that if I do not feel at least a little bit complete inside ? I feel like I am 10 years old and like nobody wants me to have anything, that nobody wants to see me happy and that is a bad feeling to have. I want to be loved, content, Happy with me and to make others proud that they know and Love me.. Yes I know that having all the Material Things will not take away the Emotional Pain I feel on an ongoing basis or Fill me up with Love and Acceptance but It will make it a lot easier, I love to write and If I had a computer at home I could help myself and others more through my writing. Yes, It is hard for me to sit down at a computer and write about anything as I have little patience but I am getting better at It, better at putting the racing thoughts aside and focusing on the True feelings inside me and the wealth of Knowledge deep in My Mind, But still have a long way to go.

Writing about My feelings is even more difficult that just writing to begin with as I do not like to face the demons within my Damaged Soul, But Gotta start somewhere. Sure I could stay in bed everyday and cry my eyes out feeling sorry for Myself but I have been doing that for years now and has not got me anywhere so Far, so at least this gets it out there and that is a start.

Overcoming anything Difficult in Life requires two things.. 1) A Professional Support Network, as in Doctors, Therapists, and more. and 2) A Personal Support Network, as in Friends, Family, Etc. This is especially true with BPD as one can Fight it on their own but without Proper Medications, Therapy, Doctors to oversee you and more You cannot survive or at least it will be more difficult. The Personal Support is helpful as well, evenm if the people in the person"s Life do not understand (as they often cannot ) then at least they can hold the person"s Hand through the Recovery Process.

I myself Live in an Amazing Country with a great Wife to be and her Supportive family and have great friends back in the States, Another close person in Spain But I need More help To get through this, My symptoms come and go but get worse without Proper treatment and that causes me to seek out other ways to Medicate, as in using and drinking which Reactivates my Addictions all over again, making the problems almost Unbearable. I need Therapy (pref. DBT) a Regular Doctor and proper Medication Treatment.. I can write all I want and read all The Books I want, which is helpful.. But without a Treatment team and the Right Meds.. I will not make it. People need to understand that the Borderline does not have control over their emotions and thus Actions and they need constant treatment in order to have a successful Recovery.

Many people see BPD ass selfishness, acting out to gain attention, or being Spoiled.. But Truth is that the person with this Illness wants to be normal and does not want to act out in these ways or feel how they feel, It is utter Chaos and Life is unbearable when the symptoms are at their Most active But it is a disease that takes all control away from you and destroys your Emotions Like HIV Destroys your Immune system.

Right now Today, I felt OK In the morning but now feel like screaming at the top of my lungs, Hiding under the covers and not dealing with Life because all Life does is remind me what I do not have, what I am not, and what I will never be. Yes, as you can see I have flipped from somewhat Insightful and Positive to down in the dumps in a matter of seconds. I will surf somemore online and update this Blog and then Go have dinner with Leo before calling it a Night. Tomorrow I may hit the Beach and just relax staring out at the Relaxing waves. Guess that is all for Today , Peace to All or Any that Read my Blog.

R.C