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12/21/2007 - Broken Dreams

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Now Today I am here and I don't know where to begin......

Today is a lonely day (as Is everyday I guess )...guess that is why I made this Blog to begin with. I have a lot of them lately. But that is nothing new. I have been lonely for the past 25 years or since I can remember. I feel all mixed up and mad in the head, one moment OK and laughing and watching TV with Leo and the next wanting to tear my hair out, crying, feeling lost and empty. I want to escape, I want to be happy, what do I want ? It doesen"t matter cause nobody can give me what I want and feel I need anyhow, Yes,as you can see the Merry Go Round of Positive and Negative Writings has taken a Turn for the Worse again, This time though feels like the Bottom of the Barrel.

In my life there has been no "great" trauma. I was not abused, or neglected, or any of the other things that some people with BPD have gone through. I think that I came by this naturally. Only recently have I been diagnosed with this disorder. In my 14 years of psychiatry I have pretty much had everything ( bi-polarity, schizophrenia, OCD, depression and anxiety disorder ). The first time I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt I was 18. There I was... scared, covered in open wounds that went down my Left arm with the Blood dripping but the Only Pain that I felt was on the inside, I was with The Man who I call My Dad but felt Lost and alone. The Nurse told me that it didn't seem so serious to her, that I should go home and try to calm down. I tried to tell her that for me there was no such option. If I went home then, I would never leave there alive again. Guess that finally convinced her.... I spent the next month living in a psych ward at a local hospital. I have been back sixteen times since the, although ten of those times were only overnight Visits .

For the last three years prior to 2006 I had actually been really under control. And then I met a person that totally destroyed what small grip on a normal life I had. She is not a bad person....only it is very hard to remember that some days. To not think in the good/bad pattern. We are human. Simply humans. But the Fact is she wasen"t Human, she was the Drug Of Meth whom I thought could rescue me from the Internal Pain and anguish and make it all better only to find out I was wrong again and she swallowed me up and spit me out. Meth and Drug Abuse in general for me is a way of escaping my Illness but does make it far worse.

Anyway, most of my problems lie with my relations to others. I do not attract people, quite the opposite...I do my best to make sure they can not get to me. If they cannot get in, I can not be hurt. This was always my philosophy. But it can lead to a very empty life. So every now and again I try to reach out, even though I expect from the beginning to get hurt. And I usually am. Is that their fault or my own? That I cannot answer.

I feel Hurt and Angry, everyone expects me to be able to Give and be a grown up, To be strong and stand on my own two feet. To provide for my Family, pay my bills, when I want something then go get it but what they fail to Understand is that I am Disabled, I have severe problems that tear my soul apart. If I could work and get all that I want and need for myself and family.. don"t you think I would ? I want it all but feel stuck, Like a Roach attached to a trap.. Like a dog in a cage.. Unable to speak, unable to escape. People have reminded me recently that they cannot save me , there is no endless supply of resources and I am on my own and must figure it out myself, This hurts so bad to hear as I do not know how to do it myself, how to overcome adversity and go buy that computer, sofa, Fly to see family in the states, Go see my son in Hawaii that I have not seen for three years now and is hating me more and more with the passing of each day.. I feel stuck, I live on a measly seven hundred a month and who knows how long that will last. I want so much but the future seems so bleak, I know for some of you reading this I seem like a spoiled brat.. I am not. I am just a Kid (32 but still just a little Boy) that grew up with nothing, always wanting the good life, to be happy and I want to make my family happy unlike I was able to feel as a kid but how ?? How can I , I can never follow through with anything and finish, I always fail and I guess I have let people down so often that they say Oh Well, It is your Mountain to climb. I feel so lost and angry at myself and the world, Is it too much to ask for simple things in Life, for some help as I cannot help myself, I do not have the answers. Yes, people there is hope for some with BPD but when you are someone like me with No access to Professional Help and Proper Meds and no access to Money to Live life like life should be lived, You quickly lose hope as I am doing as we speak. I feel abandoned, rejected, and like nobody thinks that The things that are Important for me to have in Life ( Material and non Material ) are really that Important. If I had a computer then I could write more and maybe have a better chance at surviving. I am not blaming anyone for the state of my Life, It is nobody"s Fault but mine, I just am..I don"t even know that. I know that people do care and some may even understand a Little and often many try to totally Understand, But deep in my soul I feel alone, No Father to buy me Christmas Gifts, To hold me, To take it all away. Nobody to say I understand Rob that it is important for you to Live a nice life, we only do live once after all.. Here is a Credit Card, Some Money, and a Computer..Unrealistic I know but I feel in my heart I need to be taken care of and If I am not then I feel it truly is Hopeless. As it is painful to wake up each day, Knowing that what is in store for me is not what I would Like or dream of.. Just another day battling through the Terror of Emotions.

I know this seems as though I am rambling, and maybe I am. I just wanted to leave something here for others. Know that there is always hope. That even when you cannot see them, there will always be someone who does care. You just have to be patient ( even though that can sometimes be the hardest thing to do ) and they will make themselves known.I do not know what is in store for me, I cannot call it quits and do.. well, you know, because I have a baby and Wife that need me, Why would anyone need me ?

It is a shame that my day has turned out this way as I was laying on my Girl"s Grandmother"s Hammock last night looking up at the stars with such spiritually Fit and positive thoughts, practicing Mindfulness and then Today I woke up and my dream from last night did not come true, my bank account was not suddenly Filled with thousands of dollars and then I received emails from friends that were Angry at me and Rejected my unreasonable wishes. It is Christmas.. The time of Miracles.. I can Dream ..Can"t I ?

So yes, My dreams are Broken and it is nobody"s fault but my very own, I cannot expect people to buy me the world and rescue my every difficult disasterous moment but I do. I know that I created this mess although I feel that It was not my doing, that I was born with this complex disorder that makes me feel and act Nuts.. I know what they say is true.. Choose the Behavior and Choose the Consequence but I do not Choose the Behavior.. It chooses me and I must suffer all that comes with It.. I feel like I will never be normal, have what I want and be Happy.. I will continue to Write for as Long as I breath on this Planet though.. However long that may Be.

R.C

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