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Entry 1 of 338
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12/21/2007
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This is Me (In a Nutshell )
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I am a Borderline that No one sees, Understands or Listens to, Sure they Try but they do not see the shape of the pain that eats away at my soul, sometimes it feels as If I am empty inside and lifeless but I know that there has to be a purpose, a reason for all this mayhem and madness, But what is it ? The Birds chirp away as if they are trying to tell me something as The Dog"s Look at me with eyes sadder than my own, do they see me? do they see my struggle inside this battered soul ? I take a does of Prozac but it is nothing but a Band aid and the anguish will soon return with greater madness. The smiles and laughs come but go quicker than they arrived. There is Love and joy but that too has no permanence to it. I fear everything, Talking, walking, even my own shadow But still seek out the Joys of Life not knowing that it is in me that lies the greatest Joy and Love, But how do I locate it, why is it hidden to me ? These questions evade me like the passing wind on a sweltered day. It feels like heartburn in my soul, emotional heartburn, uncomfortable but bearable although still feeling Like a heart attack and that death is at My door, But Tums is no cure for this ailment.. In fact not much is, not anything I have found anyway. It is madness 24/7 or maybe half of that as each other minute is a feeling different than the previous one. Nothing lasts very Long, Nor the Pain or Pleasure, makes for a roller coaster of a Life-one I should be used to but who gets accustomed to Chaos.. Not I . The winds knocks me down and the Rain consumes me but It is the glimmer of hope that has helped me not become a dead Mammal on the shore to this point. The Jobs come and go faster than the application process The relationships go from Good to Insane to Out the Window, (anyone who can put up with my Insanity deserves the Nobel Peace Prize.) The papers never get finished and the dreams stay Just that.. Stuck in the drain Pipe. Nothing is ever complete for me the Borderline or anyone who is Paralyzed with this Illness, Nothing is for sure, Life is one big question mark lurking over a dark Hole. I am a Manipulating Borderline but it is not my intention to be this way, It is a way to fill up the emptiness, find myself, or just not deal with the Constant Pain I feel.. When I act out in Anger or Selfishness , know that I am Crying and screaming deep in my Soul. I am the Borderline that hides in the Corner, Looking for a Friend, a Hug, a Cure, an escape.. Anything but what I feel. (Yes, I am often suicidal and wanting to Give up as demonstrated in last Poem, But I know that No matter how bad It gets I must Keep Fighting.) R.C. |
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