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Entry 1 of 335
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12/22/2007
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More Anxious Moments.
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I had a rough night last Night, feeling suicidal and down and my Girl not being able to deal with It. She asks me questions like "don"t you care about me and our baby ?" Of course I do I respond and think now, but when I am in the zone of my feelings all that I can think about is The pain and everything that goes with that and doing everything in my power to escape the horrible reality that I face. Tonight we go to her friend2s wedding and I asked how long that It would be and she got upset about the question, Not understanding that I cannot deal with being around lots of strange people for long periods of Time. So, I broke down and was very Upset and Manicky but soon Just went to sleep. I wonder when this will get better, when Will I feel normal ? I guess never unless I get some help and even then it is never a sure thing, Living in such uncertainty never is. I am trying to think positive about the future but it is hard living in this skin, in this self that I always question and Have self hate for, not having what I want when I want it. I know that I can write good and get better and maybe even make a career out of it but as with a carpenter, you cannot build a House without tools.. I need a computer at home to get anything accomplished and to deal with my issues through various supportive Sites, as I do not have a Doctor or Therapy now and need it very Much. So, Someone told me to write something positive, about myself I cannot see how to do that now, I am creating another Blog dealing with the Dog Abuse that goes on here in Nicaragua that saddens me greatly, Maybe I can save some of these wonderful beings.. I never mentioned on here before but Dogs make me Happy, I love them more than people sometimes.. They always Love me and make me smile, never reject me or let me down.. They are always there and I want to help them if I can. Dogs and Children are my therapy when all else fails, they Make me smile and escape teh Pain.. at least for awhile. I cannot see anything positive in The Future, I feel like a box of broken Glasses just trying to sort through the broken pieces and deal with the Pain of the Shattering. I do not know myself or what I truly want and this illness of BPD constantly has me wanting to reach for the Bottle or Pipe, as Nobody understands me or my struggle and at least when I "escape " It gets easier for me to feel something other than the Complete Chaos. So, again you hear my whining and complaining about my life and feelings but at least I am still here to do that, and am still searching for the answer, a answer, Anything to Push Foward. I know that there must be a way to feel better, I do not know what that is yet as I feel pretty shitty and lost as of now, But There is always hope I suppose. R.C |
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