Good afternoon,  I am , well I am really not sure but I guess OK considering.. Last Night Leo and I went to her friend"s Wedding and it was Nice, Long But Nice. We had a nice dinner and some cake but when we Got home she asked me a question.. Without going into details she discovered my "secret Identity"(Taboo issue I never discuss with anyone   )  and we had a long talk about It almost all night long which caused me to go into a full scale Panic attack and Cut myself. Not bad, just scratches but I was very Upset. I want her to understand me But I guess it is a difficult issue to Understand. Today, more of the same, she is not talking to me, she is upset about it but says she is not angry with me, Just hurt. I know that people do not understand this Fact about me and that is why I kept it secret but apparently when two people are Close and live together then they eventually Find out Who people are. I am who I am and I cannot change that and even if I could I am not sure I would want to. It is me after all.

 

 

I had several panic attacks at the wedding and wanted to leave but was unable to get her to understand me, just as she does not understand this Issue about My Idenity. I guess I do not even understand it but it is the only part of who I am that seems consistent. I am often very confused and what happened last Night makes me even more so.. I need people to accept me and understand me and she does not I guess, Not many people do and that hurts. Now she is Angry at me I feel although she says no and that makes me more Down and more Vulnerable to act out in self destructive ways. I love my girl but often feel like I get bored and want otehr girls, had trouble last night as All the females here look at me and want me which is new for me, I am not sure how other borderlines feel but I am in constaant conflict between wanting to be in a  solid relationship and also wanting the attention and be a playboy.. So hard. I love females, almost feels like an addiction as well.

 

I do not want to lose her and the bond that we have but it feels tarnished now and not sure what to do, I am who I am and I cannot change that. people cannot change who they are, Even if they could why would someone want to.. I am who I am and that is it I guess. I can change my ways but not my core idenity, as for the Borderline a core idenity is never a sure thing anyhow.

 

I feel like I want to drink, cut, anything to escape. I want all the things that I want and cannot have and it hurts and now this on top of it, Having to hide who I am and now having it found out and not accepted makes my already complex life more of a nightmare.

 

I feel like I am a mess and will do my best to deal but cannot deal with the possibility of rejection , let alone rejection itself, when I feel Like someone may leave me or reject me I leave first so I will not be hurt, I cannot be Hurt again, just cannot.., I also cannot change my core beliefs and desires of my heart.. This is hard but does it ever get easy, It is always something I guess though, some battle or struggle to get through and I cannot deal with It much more. I guess I really do need  professional Help, to get to the U.S somehow and see a Doctor, writing helps but I need more.

 

The need for something new and exciting with relationships, sexuality, and Life in general causes me to Sabotage myself and Life and everything in it and Try that next new thing, bouncing from relationship to relationship and Healing up each hurt by hurting someone else or self destructing somehow. I always want to escape, feel something different and fill up inside.. I never know who I am and when I think I do the world convinces me otherwise, judges me or something it always seems.  People cannot change how they feel, feelings do not make a person good or bad, they just are what they are.

 

So, I am OK(after all that I say I am fine.. Not fine just trying to tell myself that I am so I do not lose it !) but feel that the relationship is strained a bit.. Also am going through what I do in a relationship after some time and get bored and want something new.. I do love her though and do not want to lose her.  I guess I will watch the game today and just relax, Tomorrow we will have Christmas over her Family"s House. It is a relief she knows and says she does not want to leave me but difficult at the same Time.

 

I feel desperate and not sure what is next, what I will feel or do in the next ten minutes but guess I will just try to take it easy and Not act out, to try to calm down, give my girl sometime to feel what she feels and hope for a nice Christmas.