Trying to find the Energy to write something in here but It is a struggle today, My health has been not so good and I feel more anxious and jittery everyday, But here Goes.

I had a nice Christmas Eve with My Girl and her family, It was long and tiring but it was nice Not to be alone. I enjoyed watching the Children open their Gifts but only got one myself, I know that is not the meaning of the season but Felt Kind of left out in that sense. We were at her Family"s house for almost twelve hours though and she did not seem to understand my Anxiety and inability to be around so many people for so Long. I can deal with it for awhile but after some time I kind of freak out, especially when there are drunk people around or when I am being looked at often , As it always is here bring the only American around . She told me to try to relax and do it for her but what she does not understand is that I do not have control over my emotions and feelings, When I am afraid , then I need to be alone, When I am anxious or tired I need to go lay down and sleep or who knows how I may react. Anyway, I got through it and Today, again with mounds of people at the House.. I just want some quiet sometimes, I do not like people in general, except the ones I have grown to be close to, She loves to be social.. Now, I am just dealing with my anxiety about my health and whether or not I will be able to get medical care soon. Playing with the Kids gives me great Joy and the Baby boy that lives next to Leo"s Family is Nice too, gives me a taste of being a Dad again and I like being around Him.. I prefer Kids and Animals to most adults.

One thing that concerned me last night was the fact that I did not want Leo to touch me, I felt bad when she did, when she showed affection and I wanted to Run.. Not sure why I felt this way but I imagine I felt smothered and Like I needed space. I switch between the Extremes often, Going from overly needy to Wanting to be alone and not be around anybody at all. I bounce from relationship to relationship, craving the newness and excitment of a new adventure but when It gets serious I freak out and try to make the person leave me, although I am the one that becomes serious first most times, figure that one out.

I want to be with this Girl, but also feel the need to be alone and Independent but scared to be so, I want to have a family but cannot handle the pressure.. I want , I want, I want but am so confused I do not know what I want.  Are You confused yet yourself ? Yeah, try being me. Live the life of a Borderline and then you can understand what we go through, the search for something and then when we find it we want something else, confusing, Insane, and Baffling.

I want to Go to the States and visit my Friends and get some Care for my BPD, and Heart issues.. Not sure how or if that is to happen but I am hoping, I am hoping to Get better, maybe finally get the Help that I need and see long lost friends before coming abck and working on getting a Laptop so I can begin Writing more and Start school, Lots to figure out, Lots to Do, But I know that it is possible but not how I am now, I need treatment, stability, Yeah, me stable ?? Who can Imagine, But I am aiming towards that Goal. I have a family on the Way, and I can barely take care of ME. I am doing my best but cannot do it without help, Somedays I want just scream, that is how much pressure I feel. It is a pressure cooker for me to even wash a dish, Go to the store, Etc.. and I am supposed to raise a family and Be functional In Life??

So, that is all for today, Tired and do not feel well, Emotionally or Physically.. Which is common as it all is connected. Next is I hope to work on future possibilities, Continuing My Recovery and staying Sober. Ah Yes, I drank four beers on Sunday to escape the pain of My Fiance not accepting me ( which we have worked out.. Not perfect but better, Just another process) and feel down about that but at least I have a Sober date that I like now.. Christmas Eve 2007!  I know, I am weird and Out there, But I am still here battling and praying for Change and Progress in 2008!

R.C