Living on the Border !!! - The day After Christmas Feelings and Reflections.

Living on the Border !!! - The day After Christmas Feelings and Reflections. - JournalHome.com Living on the Border !!!

About Me

Recent Posts

Home

View my profile

My Image Gallery

Archives

Email Me

Calendar

Friends

Links

Entry 1 of 335
Last Page | Next Page

12/26/2007 - The day After Christmas Feelings and Reflections.

Since Leo found out about my inner secrets and had a chance to process it, she has been better and more loving. Less judging although I am not sure that she totally understands or accepts me but We are making it work. I guess that is what relationships are about, Sailing through the storm and turning difficulty into Stregth and learning about each other and working on difficult issues instead of wishing them away. I do not deal with relationships well, Friendships I am better with but often Women are another way for me to fix the hurt and confusion inside and I use them like any other escape.. Similar to drugs, cutting, Spending.. Then I move on when things get tough. I want this time to be different, I want to make this work and take care of My family.. But feel so ..something inside. Not sure what exactly but feel like there is this emptiness and Rage in my soul and I have to get away to make it right. I feel like I need to move through the jungle of relationships like a maze to "Find my way " But often that just makes me even more mixed up. We had a Good Christmas Eve and Day but thank god it is over as the stress is often muliplied and all the family around makes me nervous, especialy since I cannot communicate in their language. So, there is a lot going on within me still as we approach the Final week of 2007.. I look ahead at what is to come. What changes would I like to make for 2008 and what direction would I like to Travel In ??

I would like to Go to the States and see Friends and Family.. catch up on old times, have some time away from the Spanish, cold water showers, Bugs, and other 3rd world issues and have some time to relax, reflect, and Just be .. To get a full check up on My medical health and see if anything is wronga nd if there is then to get treatment for It. To then see a therapist and Psych Dr. and see what help is available for My BPD, Bipolar, and other Issues (both in the U.S. for my visit and when I return here) and also to Just get some time away and to have a fresh start in 2008. To see my Long lost friend and finally talk about the Important issues that have gone along time without Being discussed.. I guess it will be a good thing, I know it is much needed.. whether it will happen or not remains to be seen. I also would like upon my return to research possibilities to get a Laptop computer so I can work from home on estabishing myself as a writer, building a Site of my works and try to make a career out of It,an area I feel I do have some talent and Possibilities In. To maybe continue learning and Go to school online and work towards future Goals. To manage my symptoms and Learn poitive outlets for my feelings and more healthy behaviors.. To finally try to Grow up and not be stuck 14 for the rest of my Life.

I guess I see 2008 as a Process, a stepping stone to the reality that yes, I have these crippling illnesses and problems and Yes, I have a long way to Go , and Yes, I have wasted much time but No- My life is not over, there is Hope and I can make progress in my Life taking one step at a time, I know I hate that but that is how it will change.. Not wishing that I will be better overnight but working towards the Goal.. Recovery is a process, not a miracle light switch we can flip on whenever things are Tough. Recovery is possible, Yes I know that I will in maybe five to ten minutes be down again and feel anxious, depressed, and Hopeless but I have to remind myself constantly that I can rise above and I can Recover.. It make take years but as Long as I am Alive then there is always a chance To do something and be something Great.

I said before On this Blog that I accept who I am, I accept what lies within my soul, The problem has been that I often think I am one thing but turns out that I am something entirely different and then I wonder if I am the thing that I thought I was before.. and back and forth The swing Goes. I do acept who I am at points and times but then I try to change who I am, the point is that we cannot change who we are, Only what we Do. Feelings and emotions are part of our makeup and Who we are, we must just behave differently and it is through our behaviors that People Label our character.. But deep down we are who we and we have to accept our feelings, thoughts, Views, and Actions even when others do Not.

I am confused and Lost inside and that will continue but It is my hope and also my belief that I can move forward and make progress, I can begin to understand my feelings and eventually maybe define Who I am and what I am about and discover what I want.. Yes, the Roller Coaster will Continue and it will not be easy.. But I plan to weather the Storm and Try to enjoy the Ride even when the Ride is violent and Scary. I am a complex person with Complex feelings and Actions.. I need to accept that yes I will have my outbursts, rages, breakdowns, and more with My Illness.. Instead of trying to Control the uncontolable.. I need to just understand where the Rage, fear, and sadness comes from and Learn who I am deep down and what causes these feelings and reactions.. The first step in changing any Behavior or Problem is Breaking it down and understanding It, It"s causes, Reasons, and How it works from beginning to end.

R.C