Living on the Border !!! - Through the Extreme Chaos there is Hope !- JournalHome.com

Living on the Border !!! - Through the Extreme Chaos there is Hope !- JournalHome.com Living on the Border !!!

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12/28/2007 - Through the Extreme Chaos there is Hope !

Never sure where to start as I am many feelings and thoughts always swirling around throughout me , I am like the weather, never knowing what the forecast will be the next day, or maybe the next Minute. As for today, I am up and down, manic and searching for stability but getting through the day. I want to go watch Intervention ( the show on Addiction) but do have so much to do online and with No computer at home I should stay here at least for another hour. I want to write her about my feelings, catch up on some emails and also do some more research about BPD treatments , see I would love to just pull the covers over my head and say Bye Bye to the world and not deal with the Pain, rejection, and Stresses that Life brings my way, But I have people that count on me, things I want to do with my life so I owe it to them and me to At least try to overcome all that I face day by day. I want to think Normal, feel normal, and more but I guess I have to accept who I am and what I am faced with, I am Who I am and I can use that to help others and do great things. The problem is that I often feel trapped, Imprisoned by my own emotions and feelings of Inadaquatecy which keep me stuck right where I am.

The world I live in is a very closed in and confusing one, a world where Everything that does not happen now will never happen, a world where I want everything, the Girl, the car, the house, the other girls, and more. Where satisfation is hard to achieve, after all if you are dissatsified internally then nothing else will take it"s place. My world is very black and white, Nothing is clear cut or exact. I feel one way one minute and another the next. I feel that I know many parts of who I am but am still searching for many more answers to the questions that haunt me, haunt me in my sleeping and waking hours. The past that I cannot seem to let go of, the present that I cannot seem to accept and be in, and the Future that seems doomed to repeat the past. My world has possibilities beyond belief, I am talented, smart, and special.. But it takes a lot to bring that out as the fact is always there, that I have never followed through with anything nor been able to become what I set out to become. I jump into relationshipe for example.. I feel like I am in Love and then when it gets serious I yearn to be free, to go after all the Girls and Boys that want me, I want to be needed but when needed too much I feel like I am smothering. I fall in love in an instant but then it can fade and feel like a friendship and I seek out the next Torrid love affair , and then the next, and so on.

I would have to say that drugs and alcohol have been the only thing that has consistently delivered for me but then again, it has of recent times caused more destruction to me than the Escape and pleasure it oncce brought. I could forget about it all and just smoke or snort the night away but when I crashed I really crashed and then emergency rooms, Psych wards, and a sense of being lost and out of It soon set In and the reality was not pretty, But is reality ever so ? Now that I am clean and sober ( or trying to be ) I am even more lost, I do not have my escape, I have to deal with my feelings and that is not something that I do well. I have never felt much my whole life , I have felt and then stuffed it away deep down by filling up with something.

Borderline for me is just a name to a group of feelings and behaviors that make my Life Chaotic, the real issue lies within me and how do I deal with the Pain, unsureness, and Question mark that is my Life.. How do I recover ? How do I not allow my emotions and Impulses determine what actions that I take, or How I deal with hardship and dissapointment ? I have very complex issues that I need help for, I am trying to help myself but just when I get to the corner I fall and feel like a tornado is swirling within me again, not able to escape the destruction and mayhem, I feel so Angry, anxious, afraid, unsure, and depressed.. these are common feelings for me.. As the switch of Being OK and being Lost goes off and on several Times per day.

What do I have, My heart is still beating, there are Possibilities still out there for me in many ways, and I have people that do care although they do not understand me nor my Disease.. I have a God that looks down on me with such Compassion and Love.. I have a chance to fight through and maybe even Win this fight, even when all The World has Bet against me.

So for Today, I will write and read online for awhile, think about the Relaxing, stress free day I had yesterday at the beach, lounging in the Pool, eating a good lunch, watching the waves as I played with the homeless Dogs as I shared my Lunch with them, those things make me smile.. Those things give me Hope and for Today, things are Hard but I know There is Hope for myself and Us all. There is always tomorrow and I have to remind myself of that when I say all is lost, really all has just begun.

R.C