The emotions and feelings that I expierience on a daily and usually a minute to minute basis is Like a Traffic Jam through A Busy downtown Collection of Intersections. Stop and Go, Stop and Go all the way, sometimes lasting for what seems like forever. You can see cars moving and making progress far ahead but You are bumper to bumper and cannot move but a few Inches. The noise is Unbearable, the wait frustrating, and the Heat and smoke Swealtering. What will Give, soon you become hungry, thirsty, and Tired but all you can do is wait for Movement to begin, Totally powerless to do anything but wait for a Change.

This is how it feels to live Life as a Borderline, Your emotions Stop and Go, change from OK to Living in Hell , sometimes within seconds. You are in this amazingingly fast and capable machine but you cannot go anywhere because you are "Stuck " In traffic, just like the borderline is stuck in his overwhelming and cynical world. No room for error but he makes so many, no time to rest as every breath taken is done so to escape the terrible anxiety and fear of who he is.

My Life with BPD is not an easy one but I know of many cases where it crippled people far more than it does me, although of late it seems as though I am falling faster and harder, not able to grasp onto the real me or have any true concept of Happiness, I feel as if I am stuck, caged in by forces beyond my control, a smart, talented, sweet, and motivated Man that refuses or cannot grow up and feels more like a Boy with the passing of each day, wanting to hide in a corner but also at the same time seeing so much more for me out in this Big world with so much opportunity. I cannot explain how I feel inside to another as I cannot feel what it all means myself, I feel lost, stuck, emotionally Abused by Life and the cruelness of the World that surrounds me, I feel like an Animal that walks down the street all dirty and battered that nobody pays attention to, or a caged Rat that is in a box so very dark but there is one small slit in the side and Light appears every so often giving that Lonely Rat some hope of escaping and seeing what is out there.  There are things that relieve the Pain and Emptiness but most of which prove to be more destructive and damaging in the long Run. The inability to stop impulsive behaviors even when I know that it could Kill me, just to get some Joy or escape is another Difficult task that I face...Like being stuck in a Traffic Jam and not wanting to wait it out, feeling that you cannot, what does one do ? Abandon the Car he worked so hard to get so Far Just to escape the temoraryness of the Uncomfortablility or does he wait it out and Drive away unscaved ??? That is the dillema I face each and everyday.. Do I abandon my Car (me) and Walk away or to I sit and wait until The Light Changes or the Chaos Clears ??? People say they understand me but they really do not, Leo shakes her head sometimes when I say that I feel like I am crashing, All I am doing is trying to warn her before the roof caves in. Nobody knows what it is like to feel like you cannot deal with what is going on in and outside of you, and no way to deal in a healthy way.. The life I live as a Borderline and how I feel is Like feeling like losing ones mind, nobody gets it, they think I am just being dramatic or over emotional but they do not get how the Chaos feels deep inside and I do not choose to be this weay, they do not get how stuck I feel in my skin, how much I want to run but you cannot run from yourself.  I do not want to feel this way, I wnat to drive freely down the road, be free from hating myself and alwys going up and down. Although Prozac does not help much with BPD It does help manage the Mania of depression and the Psychophysical sense of things a bit. I have been off for three days and cannot find any in the stores, people think this is a little thing but It is very serious when I get like I am now, Life is always a mess, difficult, and Upside down but feels like I cannot even move right now, very similar as if I was stuck in Rush Hour Traffic..Although seems like I am more at a STOP now with very little Edging along.  I know there has toi be some let up sometime, somewhere.. I just need some support when I am Mad and Lost like this. I need some help and Love and a little understanding, even if people do not truly get how I am feeling. I guess the answer for loved ones of Borderlines is to just let the Borderline be, do not try to understand or say anything as very little makes sense to the BPD, Just Love them and be there when they need you.

R.C