It is important to realize, understand, and accept that BPD is not an illness which symptoms the person can wish or will away, not simply about Positive thinking but a chronic relapsing Illness that Takes the need of Long term Recovery in many differnt wanys in order to make progress and move forward. There are many recovery methods that in total take many years of hard work and constant Help from Family and Professionals. To gain any kind of Improvement then one needs to have a treatment regimn and The ability to follow through, That is a difficult thing for the Borderline, they cannot ever follow througha nd stay on track towards anything, they live in the !I want it now " World.

BPD is not an easy Life to live but there are and can be moments and periods in between the Pain and Madness that offer Joy and Pleasure, These times are temporary and as soon as the Joy of a game, Dinner, or vacation wear off then the Chaos returns just as powerful as it was before. The borderline clings to things that will provide pleasure and often is obsessed with sports, people, and other things >(some not so positive ) in order not to return to the Chaotic world of unsure emotions and not knowing what it next to come.

As far as threatment goes, this is hard for me right now as I want treatment but have no access to it here in the middle of nowhere but hope to get some help soon. Medications help and there are some real good combinations out there right now, I am on Prozac as it is all that I can get my hands on here but although it keeps me somewhat stable, it is really no help at all.. Like taking Aspirin. I know with the combo of the proper meds, DBT/CBT , and maybe group therapy I can make progress. What does someone like me do who lives in a 3rd world country and has a serious mental Ilness and cannot access treatment, I will get some help when I go to states in Feb. but that too will be temp. as I have a family and life here. I deal on my own but that is not easy and eventually I will totally crack without help.

The releases and pleasures that I feel in between the hard times I talked about a moment ago do help, but they seem to not last as long as they used to, for example- Last night I watched the Pats win and complete a perfect season, amazing as being that I am a huge Boston sports fan, real big part of me, watched them have some horrible seasons as a kid, But The inner Pain and confusion seems to overtake me so much that as soon as the game is over then the Joy and excitement goes with it, never was that way before.

Recovery is not an overnight thing, infact a long drawn out process which requires much work and patience, of which I generally do not Have. It requires the patient to follow it through to the end, go step by step and see it to the end, all of which the Borderline has no idea of how to do, I live like most borderlines in a Fantasy World, wishing that everything will come my way and I will not have to face the cruel and mean world out there, I can just sit at home and enjoy my toys. The normal person can take steps, go through the process and work for what the want, the Borderline sees nothing but where they are and feel will never be, that is why they remain stuck in this Fantasy World. I cry out for attention but always try to Hide.. Double edged sword I face Daily.

It is this instant need for satisfaction and Happiness that makes the borderline dependent on others for their happiness, putting a huge burden on others to do everything for them, that is why drugs play an important role in the Borderline"s Life, as the chemicals are a tool to use to get outside of oneself to get the hard and seemingly impossible things done. We do have to grow up, take responsibility foir our lives, selves and actions but for me at least this is a scary fact, I cannot seem to do the easiest of tasks without the walls caving in on me, Lackinga  acore sense of idenity and self and a core sense of stability in the world makes this even more difficult. Not knowing if everyone is angry at me just when they do not smile, not knowing which way to go Right or Lft, not knowing anything but the Chaos, despair, and Brokenness. There is also a flip side to all of this, Although my world is consistently Inconsistent I do have hope and see all that Inspires me in the world is even more hope that I can make it and overcome these feelings of fear and inadaquatcy and come out of the Clouds. I never know what tomorrow brings let alone the next five minutes but I am working on it.. I know some of who I am and I guess that is a start.. So, today I will smell the Flowers, enjoy a Coke (soft drink ) and Just see what is in the Stars for me In upcoming minutes, hours, days and so On.

R.C