Living on the Border !!! - Thoughts for New Years Day- JournalHome.com

Living on the Border !!! - Thoughts for New Years Day- JournalHome.com Living on the Border !!!

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1/1/2008 - Thoughts for New Years Day

It is a Rainy New Years Day here, I sit here on the computer just organizing my Photos, I really admit that I am lucky to have Leo and her Family, they accept me although they really do not know all of me. I am struggling being without my Prozac for almost a week now. I mean it does not help a lot with My symptoms but when I am without It I feel even more of a mess and really anxious. Last Night was Nice, I watched the ball drop on TV in New York and then celebrated with everyone here, they have a weird thing they do here, they blow up Scarecrow type men and watch them Burn as a way of wishing away the last year and welcoming the new one, Interesting. I had a nice time with the Kids and Leo last night although was very anxious around everyone, every year is different It seems, I am somewhere different with different people. Being around Kids and Animals is really the best medicine for me , I always seem relaxed and at ease when I am around them. Again today the family came over to the house, I hung out awhile before heading out to do some writing, again today I feel some sort of writer"s Block but I am trying to just pour out what is inside. I am excited about my upcoming Trip to the states, let"s Just hope against hope that it does not fall apart this time, I am trying to take every precaution that I can to make sure everything goes as planned. So, I feel down, having trouble managing my emotions and feelings but what else in new I suppose.

The feelings that I feel inside are difficult to explain, I have mixed feelings about most things, I love my Girl but have so many other aspects of my sexuality and desire for relationships that it is often difficult to be consistent in that area especially. I want to explore who I am in everyway that I possibly can, But I am not alone anymore but in a partnership. That is the problem with this disease, you want something then when you get it you are confused and want something else, you want to be loved but feel smothered by that Love, want commitment but independence, freedom but are fearful of It. Nothing is ever a sure thing, that is what keeps us from obtaining constancy and ultimatley Happiness. Long term happiness anyway.

The moment to moment changing of feelings, thoughts, and emotions is overwhelming and quite honestly difficult to stand. I never know if I am coming or going, I want this year to be an Amazing one, a year filled with opportunity, Change, and Happiness but I am forever stuck on this emotional roller coaster that it makes Any positive and long term change and progress difficult to Envison , Let alone obtain. I have many aspects of who I am but at the same time have no idea who I am, the emotions and feelings are so strange to me that I never know how to organize them and they backfire and knock me down in the End. However, I will continue to work on myself, enjoy the little things and try to make 2008 a year filled with Joy, progress, and Happiness. I do realize that happiness for the Borderline is temporary and Difficult to maintain, that does not mean that it is impossible to Obtain or Keep. I never thought that I would be able to meet someone again, have a relationship, Live overseas, and all the things that I have done, but I have and I am. I need help and support, this we know but the challenge remains, how to I get that help and still maitain the Life that I have. There are people that depend on me and that if hard as I am so dependant on Others for my survival and Happiness. Life is never easy but I must do whatever I can to make it Liveable.

Right now, at this very moment I feel anxious, confused, and just wanting to hide under the covers and Cry.. I want to run and Hide but I am stuck with me like it or Not and cannot get far enough away from myself or escape what I am feeling, I know it is hard but I have covered up what I feel with everything imaginable for far too Long and now must face the music if I am to ever do anything that I want or need, I have to face who I am, feel what I feel and figure it all out somehow, Change is not easy but I can do it, I have to keep telling myself this. Yes, I get frustrated sometimes when Leo and others shake thier heads when I say I cannot deal and need to be alone, when I cut or use drugs But The fact is that I know that I cannot just switch off my emotions and problems like others want me to, I can not wish it all away, if only it were that easy. I need medicines, I need therapy and I trust that with the proper help I can deal with all that I feel and not have to always escape, because there is no escape, I need to accept that, I hope to get the help soon because my feelings, adversities, and problems will not go away on their own, I believe strongly in God, I do but I now that he created medicine and doctors for a reason and it will take Treatment to make me better and of course Time, Not JUST prayer as many here in my Family tell me. It takes a combo of many things to fight and beat such illnesses such as BPD and addictions, I will have these problems for the rest of my Life. so I can either continue to Hide or I can begin to fight it, the right way, Step by Step with Professional Help and support.. I accept that and I hope my supporters do as well. I feel bad, Life is hard for me, but pretending that it is not and I am normal is not the Answer, I tried to hide from these feelings for years, I hope I can finally Stop and Move forward Little by Little.

R.C