Living on the Border !!! - The Place I cannot Return To, And How I need to be constant.- JournalHome.com

Living on the Border !!! - The Place I cannot Return To, And How I need to be constant.- JournalHome.com Living on the Border !!!

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1/2/2008 - The Place I cannot Return To, And How I need to be constant.

I have had some relapses since I came here to Central America but I face the ultimate test coming up son. I am going back to San Francisco to get help and See some old friends, which I am very much looking forward to but The temptation to use Meth again is very real and there. I cannot allow myself to return there, It was a very dark place and it nearly destroyed me. I however do have a part of me that has not completely surrendered and wants to use again. I am not sure if it is because of the Lifstyle I cannot let go of, or how I tie it into being Bi sexual, or I just crave the high again to escape my true feelings, or just my natural addictions and impulses. Whatever it is I know that I cannot give in, I have worked too hard and too long to slip back into that dark hole and being consumed by that evil drug once again. I need to have aplan that protects me from using, being around sober people, not being alone and isolating and most Importantly.. I have to stop glamorizing the drug and Lifestyle as it is that which will do me in. I have to remember the horror and pain that I went through when I was on that shit, homelessness, no money, always hungry, physical, emotional, and mental health was a Wreck , I almost died many times on top of it. I am an addict I know this and I have BPD which in itself causes people to abuse drugs and have very little control over their actions. As wonderful as Meth Sex waws, it wrecked havoc on my life and body and I cannot afford to return to Hell.

I have another issue, well Of course we known that I have many in fact, but One that I really struggle with is slipping in and out of everything, never knowing who I Am or what I want. I am like a yo yo.. Up and down, and all around. I want to be in a relationship but whenever I see Hot girls or guys I yearn to be with them, want to be a party boy but family man the next minute, I want all these different careers, Jobs, etc, etc. It is like a merry go round, I am in the moment and when that feeling fades I am in the next moment, nothing ever lasts, feelings come and go.. Never sure of myself or where I am headed. I Always feel like I have missed something, Like I need to catch up and have every girl I never had, go everywhere that I never went and more. I want to relive my childhood I feel that I missed out on and Stay a kid forever.. I know that it does not work that way and that I have to acdept my lot or place in life but never can seem to do so.. I do not like to be who I am so I am searching for a new, better, greater self all the time and never ever finding it.. Maybe because this is it, this is ME and I have to accept that are deal the hand I have been dealt. I always want to fold the hand and get a new set of cards until I get the Perfect match.. Is there such a thing ??

As for today, Just doing the same I do everyday, writing and trying to get through writers block, I do so well at night with writing but do not have a computer at home.. Late nights do seem to be my most creative times. I will go spend time with Leo soon as she gets lonely and does not like me away so long but I need to deal with my emotions somehow as sitting at home and not venting makes me worse, I was finally able to get back on Meds and feel somewhat better, So, I hope tomorrow to have some more stuff to write down, some interesting posts about BPD and how it relates to my World , my very large and often complex World. I have been doing lots of other stuff of late, like taking photos and editing them as a distraction and that is why my writings have been limited.. but I assure you that there is no less going on inside of me now than there is when I am writing a lot.. Just cannot put it into words.. We will see what the rest of the week Brings !

R.C