The Pain and sorrow of the past and the frustration of the present leads to blocks of progress or anything different in the Future. The inability to accept my failures causes much pain and it prevents me from starting fresh and giving it another Go, The boredom and contstant ned for Excitement and attention is another area that keeps me stuck. I want to move forward but do not know how, I know I have incredible Insight and Talent but I only seem to channel it inward and cannot do much externally with It. I often feel that my life is filled with nothing but fantasies and pipe dreams and I am just a scared little Boy without no direction or Path. I want a computer at home so I do not have to deal with the ignorant and uncaring people of this world and so I can really put my writing to the test and do great things, I cannot eb around people, I feel everyone is looking at me and want to just yell at them. Plus the limits here are restricting.

I never know anything that is going on within me , I never get any aswers to the millions of questions I ask God and myself. I know I am ranting but am just sick of It.. sick of getting something and then becoming dissatisfied with it and wanting something else. I am sick of trying and trying to feel normal with no success. I am a basketcase of Emotions that I cannot set into motion towards a goal that will be productive. No one understands, nobody sees what I go through or feels how I feel. I just want someone to say yes, I know how you feel. All the time I tell Leo I am down and depressed she then says "Why ?" Jeez, if I knew that then I would not be down would I ?  She says just think positive and Be Happy.. If only it was that easy.

I guess I am Happy that I have the things I have and that I do have people that care but The truth is that I hate myself deep down and never think that I am good enough, Do not think I can do anything and If you doubt yourself you might as well just Lay down cause it is you that is in control... Am I though ? I sure do not feel like I am , I feel like I am in a Plane that is on autopilot and low on fuel.   Lots of emotions and uncertainty exists in Me, not sure what to do, Just acknowledging that I feel this stuff and Not everything is Perfect.  I guess, I think, I hope, I imagine, I would think so... Common themes of my thinking and feeling processes.

R.C