Living on the Border !!! - More Pain and Frustration but with some Hope Too- JournalHome.com

Living on the Border !!! - More Pain and Frustration but with some Hope Too- JournalHome.com Living on the Border !!!

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1/3/2008 - More Pain and Frustration but with some Hope Too

Frustration comes in many forms, one of which is writing a piece and then having the electricity Go out in the middle, as it does many Times here in The 3rd World. I still feel my frustrations and Painful moments today as with everyday but I do have Hope, I have Hope that things can and will get better, that I can manage my emotions and eventually help others. Last Night was difficult as I had a near breakdown, The emotions were so overwhelming and came on for no reason, none that I could see anyhow. I felt so much pressure when Leo asked me to do little things like wash the dishes and hang up clothes. I know that she is pregnant and it is hard for her but I feel so much anguish and pressure when I am asked to do things, the anxiety is fierce and So scary. It has always been this way, with work, expectations and more. I wonder how I ever got this far in Life. I hope that I can get a computer soon as It is vital to my writing and overall treatment, I still am the crazy mess that I am but having this blog as an outlet for my feelings and thoughts is a very big help. I sometimes do not know what to write but I have explored a lot here and hope to continue to Do so in The future.

I hope that through all the Pain, Frustration, and madness that arges within me that I can not only have a hopeful 2008 but a year that I can finally breakthrough instead of breaking down, A year that has promise and opportunities, a year full of joy and the pain is less, hard to imagine given the fact that Pain is often my middle name. I have a great Wife to be, Baby on way,Good friends, and so forth but am never satisfied, always want more, Bigger, etc. When will I be satisfied, is satisfaction attainable ? I do not know the answers to these questions, all that I do know is I feel uncomfortable in my own skin and often do not know if the life I am living is the life I want to live But I have dreams that I want to live out.. How I am going to do that remains the challenge. It is a mixed bag, It is great here where I live, a dream come true in itself but I need treatment. I know I should have listened to my Doctors and caregivers back in California when they said that stopping treatment in the middle spelled out Disaster. I am feeling that disaster now, even with all the Good that has happened in my life over the past seven months.. I know that my BPD symptoms have gotten worse and my desire to self medicate is far worse as well.. I left San Fran to escape my addiction but there is no escape.. I am forced to deal with me no matter where I am or where I go. So , what is there to be hopeful for ? I have a baby on the way that needs me and vice versa, a woman that cares for me, friends that care for me and who I will see soon, I am bright and talented and if I can only get out of my own way.. Then I could do some pretty Amazing Things. The biggest Hope I have is that I can get into a helpful process of treatment and finally deal with all the Baggage within me.

Today I feel like I want to just stay here on the computer and hide, not have to talk with people, deal with people, or even get out of Bed, Leo made me do that which made me Angry, although it is the right thing for me. . Yes, the borderline yearns for a relationship and cannot tolerate aloneness but I most times cannot tolerate People.. If only the world were only full of children and animals then I would be so much more at Peace. I guess for the rest of the day I will write some more here and other places, then Go and try to relax and take so more Photos before going Home.. there are times (such as Now ) that people talking to me, asking me things, and more makes me so Angry and Crazed.. I have to be approached ina certain way when I am in the "Tunnel" Of my Madness..or else Who knows how I will react ? The BPD book "Walking on Eggshells" Is so very true for dealing with myself and those like me. I hope to just take some deep breaths, smell the Flowers, and Enjoy what I have, although not an easy Task for me Living in this Cage of a soul.

R.C