Living on the Border !!! - Borderline Traits that Disrupt my Life the Most- JournalHome.com

Living on the Border !!! - Borderline Traits that Disrupt my Life the Most- JournalHome.com Living on the Border !!!

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1/3/2008 - Borderline Traits that Disrupt my Life the Most

Borderline is a very complex illness with many character traits that can totally turn one"s Life upside doown and it certainly has done that to me over and over again. There are some Traits or symptoms if you will that are worse and more difficult to deal with than others. I briefly am going to Go over the ones that make my Life a living Hell and are Often make it unliveable.. Note that BPD is an individualized Illness in which each person expieiences different things at different Times.

1. The Endless search for Mr or Mrs. Right .

I often get involved in relationships and do not think about it much before diving in,I fall in Love sometimes within seconds and most of the time they get scared away and run.. Not this time though. I feel that when a person is paying attention to me that I love them and cling to them,afraid to be alone and lose them, Afraid of doing something that they would dump me for. I go through all kinds of emotions and it becomes this endless cycle of pain and confusion. I then get comfortable in the relationship after some time(when it then feels more like a brother and sister arrangment) and then want to be with other people, crave the attention and newness of new Girls or Guys.. Feel like a Kid in a candy store when Girls show me any attention at all. I sabotage relationships and then move on to the next with no reguard for the person I am leaving, I have the I hate you but do not leave me mentality.. I want my cake and to eat it too( Like I want to be with the one that I care for but want new exciting adventures at the same time ) I always think that there is something bigger and better out there for me, I am never satisfied especially in this area.. It seems almost like I am addicted to Females and I need them to notice me, be with m, and need me for my own Self satisfaction. So, Yes. No matter how Good or bad the relationship I am involved in.. I look, seek out and always desire something else which causes much confusion and pain for me and those that I am involved with.. It is like ordering a meal at a restaraunt and then seeing a Dozen other things on the menu.. I want to reorder but do not want to Disrupt the Kitchen or the waitress.. Kind of wishing I could sample it all but without seeming Like a Pig or Selfish. I do not feel that I am selfish, just that I never had Girls as a Boy and I guess I never did grow up.I guess it is a major part of me and I know that I need to accept that I have someone who loves me dearly and it is my Responsibility not to Hurt her.. Guess I just wanna be that 18 yr old Party Boy forever. I know that I have to one day, I have to stop being a Little Boy, cause society views me as a man with responsibilities.

2. Chronic Mood Swings

Another area that affects me and causes pain for others as well. I switch my feelings and reactions like a light switch, Happy and OK one moment but Down and Manic the next. Like a roller coaster for sure, I am never knowing if I am coming or going, Often this causes me to act out in destructive ways, Rageful and Innappropriate. I would say that at least a dozen times a day I switch back and forth between excitement, boredom, and Painful depression. It makes for another confusing and disruptive way of Living and feeling. Nothing seems to control It, sometimes I am filled with hope and excitement for the future and others the despair gets so bad that I wish I was dead... I would say that the Mood Swings and outbursts of Anger and Rage at Authority figures and others that frustrate and reject me Go hand and hand although the latter is Often more damaging and can come about suddenly without warning. Never being able to process what I am feeling, is it real or imagined.. Am I nuts or just sick ? These feelings cause me to escape in self destructive ways, often doing anything to escape the Pain inside...

3. Impulsiveness

I often struggle with being very Impulsive and Obsessive and this is a major Problem as it causes me to act out in very self destructive ways, I act out when I am excited but mostly in order to avoid Pain.. I act out by using and abusing Drugs, and Alcohol mostly causing many dire consequences, A way numbing what I am feeling and escaping, But also act out in any way that I can.. I do not know when to say No or how to stop myself from being destructive and acting on the first thought.. I also use Sex, Travel, food, cutting among other things to fill the void and stop the emotional War that rages within me. Impulsivness is most likely the root of my Destructivness as it is how I act out on all the other Traits that disrupt my Life. I have a very Impulsive and addictive personality which is quite dangerous and often scary , Not being in control.

4. Who am I ? ( The search for a solid Idenity )

This trait and issue is the core of Borderline in my view, Not knowing who I am or where I am going in life. A constant sense of self, what I stand for and feelings that are consistent and solid. This causes me to act out in mnay ways in search for that core self, never knowing if I am gay, staright, Bi, or otherwise, never knowing what Career, house, Relationship that I want.. constantly running from myself in search for something, anything but the Chaos that consumes me. There are several theories I have of who I am but they are ever changinga nd I never can settle on one thing , one person, one place which leaves me always Living in a sort of Nowhere land of the Soul. I think that most of BPD is based on reacting to these feelings of not knowing who I am, what I feel, or what to do next...Sort of Like I am Borderline Me .

R.C