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Entry 1 of 335
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1/3/2008
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The Unfillable Void
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I try to fill up with Drugs, Alcohol, Sex and so much more but nothing at all seems to work.. The unfillable void is what is inside of me.. Nothing helps, nothing cures the ills and the Painful Past. There is this spot in my soul that seems to be fixed by nothing, Not anything of this earth anyhow. It is hard to love oneself if you do not like what is on the menu or Interior .. I try to say " I love me " when I look into the mirror but That is just a lie.. somedays are better than others and there is Hope among the Hoplessness But there is osmething missing, infact a lot is missing inside of this soul. All is temporary which is a good and bad thing, The joys quickly fade and the Pain shoots right through as well, But in the End I do feel like I still am Living In hell. Wht can fill this emptiness inside, theis uncertainty of feelings and place in this world ? I have yet to find the answer although I know most of what I have tried has failed and left me more damaged in the end.. The Meth felt Like Heaven in a Bag but it was just a false Hope.. It told me that it loved me and It was all that I needed but soon decieved me and tried to Kill me in the end.. Will I try it again ? I do not know, I do remember the relief that it gave me, and the New me it created which I loved until Hell sets in and the other new me I do not Like so much.. I hope to find other ways to "Fill up", lasting ways, unlike the Sex that leaves me confused ( sex is good if not done to replace something else ) and the Other ways I deal with the Inner anguish. I know that there are some things that do help however.. Friends and family that offer their love and support and try to Understand this so difficult to understand Illness that I have, Animals Make me smile and help as do Children.. Such Angels That I can relate to for sure.. The Red Sox, Patriots, and other Boston teams make it better for awhile and All the otehr stuff that does not hurt me nor anyone else but gives me Joy... The Lord is the answer and I know this.. I just keep thinking that earthly things can fill this Void that I feel but It is this World for the most part that has emptied me out of The Joy and Left me needing More...What will fill the Unfillable Hole inside of Me...I do not know.. will I continue to Try.. Of course I will, what else is there to do ? I will continue to do what doesent work and new things as well to Fix Who I am and what I feel until the truth is revealed.. Until I find the True me and real answers... I think that we all have a void to Fill but for Myself and many other Borderlines.. It often seems impossible to Fill This large , Dark Hole.. I hold out for some hope that there is way that will come my Way.. Before I go back to old ways of healing . |
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