I believe that one's authentic self is there under all of the masks, the denial and the defence mechanisms and the games, waiting to be found. Until a borderline can find this sense of authentic self the false-self (which only perpetuates BPD) rules. Your false-self will only serve to increase your pain and terror at every turn. The agony, the angst, the depression, the mood swings, the illogical thoughts and feelings that predicate the world of "borderline behaviour" will persist if you insist on trying to hide behind the masks of untruth.

To recover from BPD you must get real and very honest with yourself and with those who are trying to help you. This means trying new things and believing that you can be okay -- survive new a very painful experiences, like learning to be alone and learning to stop abandoning and re-abandoning yourself -- or like taking care of yourself as opposed to collapsing to be rescued by others.

The borderline must re-build his/her ego from the inside out. Borderlines must be willing to deal with the truth and nothing but the truth in order to get well. They must step out from behind some of the most creative and intelligent masks of deceit, self-protection, drama, chaos, anger and the like in order to re-experience the pain that they have been hiding from.

I myself am constantly unable to face who I am and deal with the truth of my feelings or listen to the facts that those close to me are telling me. I feel this sense of Hope and ispiration but It comes and goes, that is what I meant before when I said all is temporary, It all seems that way but the Painful times do seem to last much longer than the Happy times. My Girlfriend Leo is a great girl but I feel so empty when I walk into the house and she can do nothing to change that, almost feels worse when I am around her because I have to hold it in more maybe or something else but When I am alone at least I can just let it out and explode.. Not socially acceptable to do that in front of others. I try to rebuild my ego and myself from the inside out but keep losing sight of what is broken.. It is like a puzzel.. You know that you have all the pieces but do not know where to Start.. what piece to fill in first, if you can even find the pieces in the pile of Chaotic Mess. I cannot explain what it is that I am feeling.. I just feel this empty air floating throughout my Body and not quite sure what to do with It, I feel like I cannot tell what I am feeling, just know that it feels so horrible and debilitating and that Borderlines do not recover with Time alone, Treatment is needed and without that very strong component of treatment in many ways then the symptoms will continue to get worse and the Pain will continue to manifest.  So, Yes I hide, I fill up with the wrong things and try to escape, The walls close in on me and I feel terrifyed but there are these moments of Hope, Inspiration, and Joy that come out of nowhere and Make me think.. "Wait a minute, I can do this and that and things will be OK " But then shortly the same old Twisted feelings return and I am Lost in the Maze once again.

The most defining symptom of BPD is lacking a core self , Sometimes I know who I am but I truthfully only know part of who I am.. I know what my Likes and Dislikes are, Important parts of my soul and sexuality, personality, and so on but although all of that is part of the Self and our Idenity, There is so much more and a core self with Constant Feelings and that is the self that I am searching for with No luck or success..

So, I ask what is my Idenity.. all those things that I like, feel that are part of me, etc. are included in "Who I am " But  Idenity is so much more and here are a few definitions of what Idenity Is...

1. The collective aspect of the set of characteristics by which a thing is definitively recognizable or known
2. The set of behavioral or personal characteristics by which an individual is recognizable as a member of a group.
3. The quality or condition of being the same as something else.
4. The distinct personality of an individual regarded as a persisting entity; individuality.

Knowing who you are is much more than I understand and that is why I do not fully know who I am and as a result I suffer much from BPD, Depression, and Living Life in general. I feel that life at this moment is passing me by, all that I want is there in front of me but do not know how to reach out and get it, the opportunities are there but do not know how to capture them, Even the things I have in my life I am not sure if I really want them or do I keep them just as a security blanket...There is much to be Discovered inside and outside of Me in 2008.. I just hope I can get some help so I can continue to carry on and Carry on in this Journey.

(Today I am just with Leo at her family"s House, did some food shopping and paid the credit on our TV and furniture.. The buses and taxis here are on strike which is another stress But I continue to Try not to let outside things get to me as inside things are enough to deal with )

R.C