I know that for those that read this Blog of mine they must think that I am the biggest whiner in the world and wonder if I am ever positive.. I am , I mean sometimes I find joy in the world and I do have many Likes and am an Interesting fella. It is just that this BPD and associated problems do consume me and it makes my World very Dark and bleek.  I have a lot of mixed up crap inside of me so I know that I do not make sense sometimes, But I am just trying to sort it all out. I just got back from the market with Leo and I tell you, what a trip. The buses and taxis are all on strike, something about the City wanting to add more buses and taxis and buses not wanting that so they all stopped running, we have had to walk everywhere in this Heat.. But had an interesting ride home as Pick up trucks owned by everyday people were acting as taxis and we hopped in the back of one, Leo sat in front being Preggers and all but I was in back with a bunch of Nicas. Was very wild.  You see, when I am occupied and doing things that are not stressful then I am out of myself and the Chaos and Pain is not that evident to me but when I am in the zone of my emotions ( which is mostly all the time ) Then all hell breaks loose and I fall apart.. If I am watching a game for instance.. I am consumed in the game so I do not feel or think about the bad feelings inside, But as soon as that game ends I need something to do or watch that will distract me from all that swirls inside of Me. 

See not all of me is Dark, just a scared little boy trying to survive in this so very Cruel World with this so Very difficult disease. I guess That everyone is like that, Apples and Oranges.. Different and Unique. I will try to explain who I am a bit more.. I am a huge sports fan, Love travel, movies, music, the Net, Helping animals and people that have problems as well, I want to make a difference in the world, Have many dreams and Goals but of course there is all of this mess and baggage that exisists inside of me, a soul that is hurt and wounded, A Me that seeks something greater, something More than I have found so far on this earth. I am a mix of Good, Bad, and downright Ugly but at same time utterly Amazing and Gifted.

I see me in the shadows of who I would like to be, not the guy that needs the needle, the pipe, or the bottle, woman nor anything to get me through the day but a Me that is full of greatness and possibilities, Full of inspiration and answers to the questions that haunt us all.. I see Me similar to how This country I live in , this 3rd world Chaotic But beautiful nation.. A place (Me) where nothing is absolute or consistent.. the lights go on and off all hourse of the day as does the water, the transportation goes on strike and people struggle to find alternatives to get where they need to Go, the Wages are small for the amount of work put In.. The people have hope and faith but carry such Pain as well... The land is beautiful as are the People, the woman have endured so much but They carry on for their families and they show such beauty inside and out.. the Men rely on Alcohol to cover the scars they Carry but wear those woulds like a badge of Honor, they love their Country but Would escape it for a better place at the same Time.  

This is Nicaragua and yet it is Also Me... I feel how it relates to me as I write , I hope you can see the similarities. In short, I am a damaged soul, but a soul with hope, a person who self destructs but then tries to pick up the pieces and give it another shot.. I am poor inside and out But I keep hoping for a better me, a brighter day, and a new Tomorrow to bring more sunshine to this Darkness that I carry around day by day , A light to see my way through the Tunnel.

R.C