Living on the Border !!! - What helps me Deal with The Madness, and What does Not.

Living on the Border !!! - What helps me Deal with The Madness, and What does Not. - JournalHome.com Living on the Border !!!

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1/5/2008 - What helps me Deal with The Madness, and What does Not.

The insanity of my Illness causes much Pain and conflict in my life but there are some things that help to deal with the symptoms. I say that watching Sports and Things I enjoy on TV helps, as does reading, mostly Psych books as It is great to learn about the human mind and emotions, Being around children and Animals Gives me the most Joy.. Dogs just light me up like a Christmas tree.. It is like everything goes away when I am around those furry creatures, and helping them by feeding them and so forth helps me very much. I would say that the things that make it all worse are stresses, people talking to me when I am in The bad spots of my emotions and being forced to do things that make me uncomfortable. Also working or being in other stressful situations hurts or just sitting around in boredom makes it Really bad, I panic and feel like a bomb that is about to explode. The fact that nobody understands what I am feeling and the frustration of Trying to make them understand unsuccessfully is a severe burden. Of course Using Drugs and Alcohol and doing other things that temporarily fill me up helps for awhile but then it shortly fades and I am worse than I was before I self medicated.. Anything that gets me out of myself and keeps me thinking and focusing on other things, Positive things Helps very much, I like the Net so much and want a computer at home because looking up all kinds of Info, writing and listening to Music takes away the feelings of emptiness and Boredom that drive me Nuts so often.

Of course all of this is Temporary and as the drugs are temporary as well, these other things are not self destructive but none the less, Are not the long term solution.. The long term solution is To get consistent Treatment and to be able to make progress and have someone other than me Monitor that progress, someone who can see when I slip and am regressing, a third eye but an eye with the ability to tell whether symptoms are Improving or not.. Basically.. a mental health provider. I hope to get this help soon and to begin the healing process as There is no recovery without Treatment, for My Psych issues or Addictions.. Being Sober without Treatment is just being Dry but not in Recovery , Being stable from acting out with My BPD is not being in treatment but just like a Storm that hovers over it"s target.. eventually it will hone in and cause much destruction. I can only do so much on my won and although being here Is an amazing expierience and I love Leo and her family.. She does not get that I am sick and need help. She said to me last night, "You have to try , you can Do It " This is not about will power or wanting to feel good, I said to her that she and other people who do not have BPD or mental Illness can pick their emotions and control their actions, I cannot most times, I have a chemical imbalance, a mental defect, and disregulation of my emotions that has been with me for over 25 years, and will not go away just because I want it to go away. I know she loves me but just does not Understand, how could she ? She does not live the hell that swirls inside of Me everyday. I blew up at her last night and told her to Go and get out of my life, I cried and slammed my fist on the bed.. she just sat there looking at me, I said "say something, show that you care " She told me that she did not know what to saya nd then began crying herself. It is hard being somewhere where you have to control what you cannot, be who you are not and not getting the Right Care.. Because I denied it for so long, with my addictions and Mental Issues.. I said I could wish it all away, count to eleven and be all better and did not need help but the Truth is in front of me now, Yes I have a family and a Life here but I do need help, I need treatment and need it soon. I feel so entangled in the ups and downs and confusions of what I am feeling right now that although I hated my Life on Meth, if I had a Meth pipe in front of me now, I would pick it up and smoke it.. Proving my theory that there cannot be Recovery of any kind without Solid Treatment .