Living on the Border !!! - How I see Myself and Borderline World- JournalHome.com

Living on the Border !!! - How I see Myself and Borderline World- JournalHome.com Living on the Border !!!

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1/5/2008 - How I see Myself and Borderline World

I ,after writing much on this Blog and in my own paper journal at home have discovered much about myself and the Borderline World that I live in, I have learned that I am not alone asa Borderline or as someone with many other unpopular ways, I have learned that not everybody will understand me but That should not stop me from trying to Understand myself.. There is much more expoloration to be done and more work to be done. So, How do I see myself and My World ?

I see myself as a confused about many things inside of me , I am confused sexually, emotionally and more. I am not sure if I am coming or going, what I am ever feeling or going through, I search and search throughout my soul but with never any answers , yet I continue to keep at It. I know I am good looking but often compare myself to others and see them as better than me and yearn to be them or like them, I see myself as a little boy with little boy wants and desires, I see my world as a 5 by 10 room that is getting smaller and smaller, I see others as viewing me as a faker, a person that can work but does not wish to, I feel misunderstood by everyone and Like I am a whiner. I also see myself and my world as a crumbling piece of land with no foundation, no Hope but that The rescue team arrives before I fall off the cliff. I see who I am, what I am doing, and where I am headed as a bleek and dark tunnel with no exit at the otehr side... I see myself in a very negative Light, I do see some light though as I see myself also as someone who cares deeply for people, animals, and the world, someone with a Big dream and a bigger heart.. someone that can do great things if I can just get the Boot off my front tire and turn the Key.. To move forward.

My Borderline World is a world that is often Confusing and empty with No support of understanding, a world filled with wants that change by the hour and emotions that switch Like a flashing traffic light, never able to keep up with anything that I am feeling and left to wonder if I am alive, is this all real, do people really care or notice me.. I live in this world that I always border somethinga nd nothing is ever absolute, I never know how to put on the brakes but also do not know how to turn and head back in the past to relive the good moments, wait a minute.. isn"t that Impossible ? Another thing I struggle with I guess is letting go of the past, accepting what has happened and learning from my mistakes and adventures. I live with this constant emptiness, feelings of nothingness, and not Knowing what I am feeling or how to organize any of my emotions.. Total Chaos that lives inside of Me.

Being Borderline should not define who I am but feel that it does, it confuses me and leaves me feeling like screaming, blaming everyone for my misfortunes and shortcomings, being angry at the world and hurting those I love the most.- I feel angry, lost, sad, Misunderstood, Confused, Like I am a million personalities in one and not knowing any of them all The Time..

I see myself as many things but cannot distinguish a clear sense of who I am.. There is no center.. it is like a puzzle in which you have all the pieces but do not know where to start building the puzzle. All things require a Center to be stable, this I know, otherwise it all falls apart and will not work. I have struggled my whole life to find that center, I have many things that I feel are the center of my Life but few that other people would say are healthy or normal.. I feel very unstable in everyway however and I feel that is because I lack this Center.. This Core self.

We Borderlines are misunderstood and mistreateed in many ways, we have real and imagined feelings of rejection and abandonment and always need reassurance but we are Not Broken completely by any means, we can do many things, are very talented and smart and offer the world much, even in our Madness and moments of despair. I feel that although having this disease has made my life very hard and difficult to deal with.. It makes me who I am, whatever that is and maybe I was meant to have it.. Maybe it helps me to help others and my Pain has a purpose.