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1/6/2008
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Healing without Treatment and Understanding
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I find it very difficult to get better at all without the proper meds and treatment which I cannot receive here overseas. I mean I have great times here, as I did today going a Birthday Party and being the center of attention as I often am here. I like it but sometimes I get shy and fearful. Today was OK though, but now I feel down again. Last night I had a manic High of happiness and excitement but then I crashed but for the first time I could feel the crash coming On, not that I could do anything about It. I have a great Girlfriend but I feel that she does not understand me at all and often when she tries to it is worse because she gives me advice that is unrealistic , like to just think positive or try harder.. It is not about any of that as you who have BPD know far too well.. It is an illness just like Cancer, HIV, etc and Requires treatment.. which I am without right now. Is Hospitalazation the answer ? Not sure, been dozens of times without much help but is being without any kind of professional support the answer? I doubt that as I am doing my worst ever I feel, I have lots of good things going for me but feel a mess inside.. like I am about to explode almost all the Time. I mean I want to run and be alone, not deal with so called normal people, not deal with people that say they love me but do not do anything to help me, or people who refuse to be logic down and look at Me, how I feel and what I am saying... I know I am not making much sense but I am just venting. I need support, Meds other than the aspirin like Prozac and Treatment that comes with understanding.. I guess that is all I ever want or wanted is someone to say I understand , I see how you are feeling and it must be awful, and just Hug me without all of the questions and assumptions. I want to be well but do not know How, I said I wanted a relationship and a family but now not sure if I can handle it... I just want to be alone but am afraid to as I am afraid that I will feel the need to self medicate again with Meth and other destructive vices as I cannot tolerate Feelings, I guess that is obvious. So is healing possible without Help ? I thought it might be, I thought all I needed to escape my Drug issues and BPD and mental health problems was a new scenery, a woman in my Life and some quiet but I am learning that to Recover from what I have will take so Much more. It will take long term, consistent treatment.. No running away, no using, just doing it the right way.. But here is the dillemma ..I have a family to care for now, so when can I find the time??? When Can I get better, or can I even ???
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