Living on the Border !!! - Time to Rant- JournalHome.com

Living on the Border !!! - Time to Rant- JournalHome.com Living on the Border !!!

About Me

Recent Posts

Home

View my profile

My Image Gallery

Archives

Email Me

Calendar

Friends

Links

My Wall

Entry 1 of 332
Last Page | Next Page

1/7/2008 - Time to Rant

I need to let a good rant out, I mean I try to be insightful and offer help to others at Times but right now I am really struggling. I mean in every facet of my life. My Wife to be (or not ) has become more of an annoyance than a blessing. She and I do not seem to be on the same page.. She does not see my Need to be on here writing and other forms of expression and therapy that I have, She goes silent on me often and that drives me Nuts.. Today I saw this Dog that I wanted, the dog was a puppy really and warmed up to me so much, I wanted it and I asked her what do you think and she said nothing, she said it is not important what I think. She did not seem to care either way which upset me as she knows how I feel about animals and how they make me Happy.. But she did not respond and when I put the Dog back ( I feel as though I rejected that poor puppy that needed me ) then she said nothing and it has been over an hour and we have not said a word to each other. Life is hard enough for me but when I have these types of problems and issues with the person that I am supposed to be with Forver, the woman who is carrying my child then Life is even more unbearable. I know that I cannot blame her for everything, I have to take responsibility.. She is great sometimes, seems to really care but she does not realize how her not talking to me feels like rejection and hurts so bad. She does not get how important certain things are to me.. I know that I bounce from relationship to relationship and this is a common pattern, But I feel as though the Love has worn off.. I mean I care for her just as I did Beth (my ex) but the passion is almost gone, It feels like a friendship or Brother and Sister type of relationship now. I mean if people do not share the same passions and Ideals in Life then how can it work ? I feel like we are two different people that like each others company but are totally Headed in different directions. The problem is I care for her and cannot Imagine leaving but feel like I do not belong at the same Time.

I feel anxious, moody, Confused, and angry , I know I need treatment of some kind and soon.. Have gone far too long without It.. I need .. Hmmm I am not sure what I need But I know that a med regimen that is consistent, therapy of different types and support that understands me. I think that is all the Borderline wants, Is to be understood and accepted. I know I do. I want what I have but I don"t.. I want to be Happy with Leo but feel that I may be better alone, I want, I don"t want.. I don"t know... Seems common with me.. never being able to decide or know what is Going on inside of me or which fork in the road to take.. I have a lot on my plate.. problem is.. I don't have a fork !!!

R.C.