Living on the Border !!! - How I feel Today.. Sort Of.- JournalHome.com

Living on the Border !!! - How I feel Today.. Sort Of.- JournalHome.com Living on the Border !!!

About Me

Recent Posts

Home

View my profile

My Image Gallery

Archives

Email Me

Calendar

Friends

Links

Entry 1 of 335
Last Page | Next Page

1/9/2008 - How I feel Today.. Sort Of.

I have made it through yet another day, still here battling. This is War and my words and coping ways are my weapons. I still battle to find out what I want and if this relationship I am in is the right thing for me. I saw the Doc yesterday and need to take care of my health so that I can work on my emotional health.I feel better physically today, the chronic headache is gone, still pains in body from clogged arteries but Feel better, must be due to good night sleep I got. I was going to see the Psych Doc Yesterday but he wanted $30 for a forty five minute session.. I know that in the states it can be much higher but I did get free meds and therapy in San Francisco and that is what I need, not one session but ongoing treatment.. Even if It means being away from my Girl for awhile.. sending money Home for Bills and getting treatment.. Both For my Emotional issues and Drug addictions.. I just stopped treatment back in June and hopped on a flight and came here to Latin America.. now I am paying the price with all my problems coming about and hitting me all at once. I get something out of writing and reaching out for online support in various groups but with No computer at home and my Girl always feeling like I neglect her and wanting me there, kind of hard.. Plus not on the right meds.. Only Prozac.. does not help at all it seems.. Only keeps me from going completley nuts but I am still lost and confused and rageful. I feel that I need something new and exciting as I feel in this world of boredom and the same old thing, I got that way before in a relationship and it sucks. I want to stay and be there for my family but so many different wants and desires going through me all the time, I feel I am on the edge of breaking down and there is no one here to save me, tell me it will be OK, Even if It is a lie it would be better than the feeling that I feel lost and like doom is impending.

Got a letter from Beth(my ex) today saying that the Cathloic Church says our marriage never happened and was nullified.. Another failure feels like. I was thinking yesterday and with all the mayhem and violence that was in that almost five year marriage, I feel like we related at times.. we could talk about our things in common like the red sox or patriots or Animals and It felt happy with her and Avery (my 9 yr old son ) but at same time it was misery.. I miss her yelling at me, I mean that may sound nuts but Leo says nothing when I am in my moods and have my breakdowns.. she just sits there. That I cannot deal with, maybe I just need constant drama??

So , Yes I have dreams and goals and I want to be happy but do not know if that is possible anymore.. I just want to scream sometimes, I want someone to feel what I feel and what I do not know what I feel.. I want to help people and animals but kind of hard when I have trouble staying togetehr and taking care of myself.. I wonder.. yes , I have a great GF, Baby on way, and am around the Joys of my life everyday...But I feel misrable.. I can"t help but to think.. "There has got to be more than this ?" I have so much passion for life but so many blocks as well. I am hurt and feel like I need to cover it all up with some drugs, all I have ever known but I know that will not help me, still can my impulsive ways be contolled and keep me from self destructing yet again.

I have to learn to love who I am and how to function on my won before I can help anyone else or be a productive person in a relationship.. But I am in a relationship.. I have things in my life that I need to deal with... If I cannot love myself then I cannot do much of anything.. Why do I not love myself ? Why is everything I feel temporary, why Do I need someone new every so often.. why cannot I have constancy in anything ? When will this pain, Impulsiveness, and fear go away, when will someone understand and Help me.... Here I am ranting again but what other outlet do I have that is not in a baggie or bottle ?

As for today, You know how I feel, I continue to look forward to trip to states, I continue to look for answers and figure myself out... I know that it is a process. I am one Messed up Kid... I guess it keeps things Interesting .I am off to just sit in the park and have a lemonade and then go home to Leo.. weird thing is, she is my Fiance and yet she feels like my sister and I almost am worose when I am at home.. when I come to the Internet I feel more relaxed and at ease..I feel a sense of doom when I am not online.. I guess this is my escape for Now..doesen"t seem to be harmful though.. Now, I will go eat something, not sure what with this sopecial dieyt to combat my artery and heart problems.. If It"s not one thing it is another it always seems.

R.C.