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Entry 1 of 335
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1/9/2008
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Even the way I write spells BPD
| Nothing is consistent with me, I write big, then small, and smaller and then big again. Never can do anything in a constant form, Nor can anyone else in my life it seems though. I know I rant a lot about this but The temporary nature of my feelings and ways drives me Crazy.. I cannot follow through with anything. All seems doomed, I seem to do really well, whether it be with staying Sober, in a relationship, at work, etc.. and then I either sabotage it or it just crumbles anyway due to the pressure. Given all my mess inside of me and my life as a result I do have hope and enjoy somethings... I enjoy Girls (too much I think ) and being with my Own Girl and just relaxing (when all is calm ) taking care of and being around animals, Sports, travel, movies, writing and much more but It does seem that with everything there is some aspect of my Illness that comes along with it... I guess that is the only thing that is consistent is my Borderline and various Mental health issues.. It constantly reminds me that I have issues and I have to struggle, nothing comes easy...I get angry for no reason, I run and want to flee when things are hard, I want to always fill up with something to take the pain away.. I crave attention, newness, and Feel like I am drowning all the time.. I go up and down and up and down every few minutes... I live My life with BPD written all over it.. It does not define me but it rules my Life and my actions are a constant reminder that this illness is not going away, yes It can improve with treatment... Yes, although obsessive some things make it better, attention from Girls or Guys, being involved in various activist activities, and watching my teams play.. But the madness is always there ready to explode at any moment.. I can never let my guard down with this....My disease is more evident to me Now than ever before.. the many years thatI had this was only an incubation period... I wish I had understood my Mother"s battle with her mental illness more as it is Me now that wants and needs to be Understood. |
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