Living on the Border !!! - Never sure if I am an Apple or an Orange...- JournalHome.com

Living on the Border !!! - Never sure if I am an Apple or an Orange...- JournalHome.com Living on the Border !!!

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1/10/2008 - Never sure if I am an Apple or an Orange...

Things are difficult as always, but without treatment I am trying top do some things on my own and relax and try to take care of my physical health first and then maybe the emotional will follow. I admit that I need treatment, I need longer term help and so wish I had listened to the Doctors back in the U.S. when they said not to stop treatment and it would have dire consequences. I am still trying to regain the passionate feelings I had for my GF in the begginning and not continue this pattern of falling hard for someone, asking them to marry me and then just flip flopping and wanting out, But not wanting to be alone or hurt that person.. It is basically wanting new and exciting things all the time, needing drama and a way to stop the Painful boredom. I was out feeding the Street dogs some treats I bought for them but they are scared of people and most run.. They are not used to people showing them attention and caring for them.. almost like with the Borderline. Fell so alone and isolated and when someone shows you Love and support you don¨t know what to do.. you run or scare them off.. as I have often done. I have this issue where I am attracted to everyone, Girls, Guys, you name it.. I want to be free but Do not want to lose Leo.. real confusion. With my health problems and emotional illness on top of it, It is very overwhelming and frustarting. Not sure what to do. Leo asked em if I was Gay last night, I said I don´t know, maybe.. She asked this after watching a Oprah special on Gay wives and husbands.. She was like.. ¨how could you not know´I said, sometimes I feel one thing and the next minute I feel something else.. She does not understand nor accept the various compartments of Who I am.. I doubt she ever will, so what do I do... baby on way and all.. Not sure.. Kinds feel stuck again. I mean I cannot imagine my life without her, but This life is hard as well.

I have to be true to myself but who is that, who am I ? I never know if I am an Apple or an Orange.. I do not know if I want to go this way or that way.. I know that I have certain compartments of myself that are a part of me for sure.. But I hide them because nobody accepts them. I could live with her and be OK, Be pretty happy but will anyone ever make me truly happy ? Will anyone fill me up like I need to be or will they continue to ¨¨wear off¨Like a drug does, buzz does, or good feeling that never lasts .. I have been controlling my outburts and trying to control the anxiety but it is not easy... To have these intense feelings but nobody around me understands makes me feel more alone.. I could be in a room full of people that adore me but Nobody sees that my soul is breaking piece by piece.. I have to find a purpose, a meaning for my life that I can follow through with without falling apart... I tell Leo that I am Falling apart and having a breakdown, day by day.. She says nothing.. no response.. I guess she just does not get it or Me.. which makes me wonder if we are Doomed... Hopefully the Patriots game this week will cheer me up but I know that without treatment, there is no healing and I have no access to help now and it is killing me by the day as My Symptoms worsen by the day... There are little joys and hopes that Keep me going.. I see Angels and Possible saviors alll the time but the constant reminder that I am not who I want to be and the Pain is eating me apart and No help in sight Lessens that Hope I carry.

R.C