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Entry 1 of 335
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1/11/2008
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Some thoughts on Where I am and What Dreams I still Hold onto.
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My current situation and feelings about my Life as it stands now. Today I feel Good at the moment although it is slipping away as it normally does, I fed some Dogs today with the treats I bought and gave one a bowl of water.. It felt so good to help these animals, almost a form of therapy. I care so much for others and especially Animals. I still feel this emptiness and inability to feel the passion for Leo that I felt just a few months ago.. I feel like I always want to be alone and have free time to myself. I feel like screaming often, Escaping and just getting out of my own skin as the feelings I feel are often unbearable. I am happy to Go to the states and get some help for all my issues, medical, mental, drug, and more .. I wonder what lies ahead for this relationship and my recovery in general. I feel like a Kid all the time , Like I want to just date different girls and travel around and do all the things I had planned to do. I do love Leo, I care for her and it was me that got serious in the first place but That is how I react to attention.. I fall in Love and then soon lose interest and want to be free and able to roam again. Not the first time that this has happened. I have to realize that I am not alone now and she counts on me as does my baby to be. I also do see that we as people have to be true to ourselves and not live a lie.. If we are not happy we must move on.. we have to be Fair to everyone involved. It is hard for me since I bounce around and my feelings are never consistent.. Neither are my wants or want nots. I feel that I love it here but yearn for the familarality of the U.S., I feel free here and at ease but the lack of Psych and Medical care makes for a stressful and unbearable existence. If I left I would miss and need her but If I stay then I am not sure what I will feel, I want to have my cake and eat it too but know the possibility of that is slim at best. I have trouble making decisions on my own, I want others to make them for me.. It is easier and less stressful that way for me. I feel Confused about who I am or what I want, I feel anxious and fearful, I feel Like a twenty four hour a day roller coaster... I know that constant treatment is all that will make it better, How do I do thata nd still provide for my family.. I am scared of being around all the people for the Baby shower she is having for her sister on sunday...I am somewhat fearful of going to San Francisco as I know that I am not through the woods of my addictions and my emotions and impulsive ways could cause me to fall again and with my heart the way it is, I cannot afford that. Still, this is how I deal with problems, I want to take away all The pain and using is the only way that I know how to do that.. Cutting does so for awhile... But it seems as crazy as it sounds.. drug abuse is more acceptable to people than self injury. I view my life as this.. You start going down a road for just a little while and get into a pattern that is not neccisarily what you want but you go with it for whatever reason and before you know it then you are living a life that you did not set out to or intend to, doing what you do not want.. and feel helpless to Get out.. The guilt of hurting another keeps you stuck. The dreams that I still Hold onto. Giving all the pain and madness I feel as a result of my past and the emotional issues I feel now at an intense level, It is an amazement that I still hold on to all the hopes and dreams that I do, It is a miracle that with all the negativity and self hatred that I have great hope for what I can still do with the rest of my Life. I feel that as low as I go, as many bottoms as I create for myself and as many times as I fuck up... There is always Hope that I can turn it all around. I dream of getting help for my disorders and getting healthy again, staying sober and helping others do the same. To help people with the same issues that I suffer from and also help Animals that are needy and also other people who are less fortunate than me. I dream of going back to college ( online or at a school ) and pursue a Pysch. Degree and then on to Medical school and eventually follow the path to become a Doctor.. A Psych Doc that helps people with BPD and addictions. I dream of having a family and being financially stable so I can give them a good Life.. I dream of setting myself up as a freelance writer and photographer and make a career out of that while I pursue that College Degree.. I dream of still traveling and exporing the World and myself. I dream of doing strong activist work for the Many causes that are important to me to Help people accept who they are and create a path of understanding and acceptance in the World.. so we all are viewed as Equal. I dream of having the Life that I have always dreamed of.. I dream that I can get out from Under this Rock and Do great Things !! R.C. (Life is often hard and can leave us in excutiating emotional pain but many have showed in the past that it is possible to overcome ) |
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