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Entry 1 of 332
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1/12/2008
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How I feel Today
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I will be watching the Patriots playoff game soon but will try not to get too Excited as it can cause health problems. It should provide me with some relief emotionally though... That is the thing when I feel that I may have a serious health condition , I tend to shift my focus to that and not so much on my Emotional and BPD issues, But believe me when I say that the Borderline issues are still very much there and active pretty much all of the Time. Otherwise I feel pretty much the same, not too manic but pretty empty all of the time.. The best way to describe it is I have this feeling inside of my soul that something is wrong with me or something is just Not right with me... I feel like a glass that you fill up with water but it keeps draining out as there is a hole in the bottom.. I fill myself up with so much and yet remain so empty. I watched this movie last night that featured a girl who had BPD.. I had seen it before but did not realize that it was about Borderline.. well the main character anyway.. It was called Girl Interrupted.. and that is me I guess.. Boy Interrupted. I could relate so much to how she was feeling, her outbursts, Lifestyle, and feelings. Leo laid next to me and could not relate.. she kept saying she is crazy.. I said No.. she has what I have, she was surprised.. I try to explain my illness constantly but she does not get it and I want her to so much. I want her and others to understand that It is not my fault that I feel and act how I do.. It is just how I am. I feel confused and depressed and up and down and all the usual stuff.. But very concerned over my health..I hope I can get some answers soon.. I really do hope so.. Cause I always say that Life is too hard and I want to die but I really do not.. Just want the emotional pain to be managable.. It is my illness that wants to die.. The BPD wants to die and cease to exist but ME.. No, I want to live and have adventures, help people, and Live my Life.. the best that I know how or Can. R.C. |
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